ABBA not a proper reunion because it's not grey-haired old men with guitars

THE ABBA reunion does not count as a proper one because it’s not grey-haired old blokes with guitars, men have confirmed.

The mega-selling critically-acclaimed group have recorded a new album and launched a digital stage show, none of which is equivalent to Led Zeppelin doing one gig in 2007 because it is pop music and two of them are women.

Company director Wayne Hayes said: “The Stone Roses reunion was epochal. The Eagles reunion really mattered. This? Marketing.

“It doesn’t count as a reunion unless there’s a massive fanbase of male fans with expansive guts desperate to hear the famous solo played by the actual guy in a cavernous arena while his straggly grey hair hangs down.

“The Police reunion tour covered five continents and made $360 million. The Guns ‘N’ Roses reunion made $584 million. Abba reforming, in contrast, is a crass commercial move ripping off the fans.

“Reconciled after 40 years? Some kind of artistic rebirth? No, I’m sorry, all those terms are reserved for proper bands. This is no better than an 80s nostalgia show at Skegness Butlin’s.”

He added: “I’ve heard a rumour The Jam are reforming. Oh my God, that would be the greatest gig of my life. I’d pay two grand for a ticket.”

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Johnson breaking manifesto promise on principle

BORIS Johnson is breaking his manifesto promise not to raise taxes to prove his commitment to breaking promises, he has confirmed. 

The prime minister is adding 2p to National Insurance contributions so everyone, even his most ardent supporters, are left in no doubt that he nothing he says can be trusted for even an instant.

He said: “It should not be necessary, at this stage, for me to prove I am a liar and breaker of promises. Look at my record, for God’s sake. It goes back almost 40 years.

“But still there are those, even in my own party, who believe there are oaths I will keep. Who believe that I won’t raise taxes to make myself popular simply because I’m a Tory.

“Those people are fools. The manifesto means as little to me as a marriage vow, as an EU Withdrawal Agreement, as an employment contract. In all cases I will put myself first.

“Tax is going up. I’m going to hand out free shit to Northerners like I was Jeremy Corbyn. Northern Ireland can f**k off back to and if the Queen doesn’t like it so what.

“I’m Boris Johnson. I lie, I cheat, I betray. No vow will be kept. No pledge will be honoured. And that, my friends, is a promise.”