WITH the weather starting to turn as autumn arrives, all British gardens are now clogged up with pointless summer shit.
Paddling pools, swingball sets and tasteful garden furniture with the cushions removed will spend the next eight months getting wet and rusting to pieces.
Garden-owner Martin Bishop said: “The garden is brilliant for the six weeks we can use it during the summer, but for the rest of the year it’s a bleak, windy patch of mud that requires endless maintenance.
“I’m going to watch from inside the house as all the money we spent on fun garden stuff is slowly wasted as it gets covered in dead leaves, goes mouldy and then emerges next spring as a broken piece of crap that will go straight to the tip.
“The pizza oven is the most painful. We used it once in May before it spent the rest of the summer as an elaborate, hideously expensive storage container for the badminton racquets.
“Having been an insufferably smug twat about having a garden over the last year, I now wish I was one of those people who live in a flat with just a tiny balcony. How the tables have turned.”