GAY recruits to the armed forces will be asked what kind of gay they are so it can be weaponised.
The Ministry of Defence said homosexuality has been terrifying people for years and should now be classified for maximum battlefield impact.
A spokesman added: “A real ‘scene’ gay, who’s still into drag karaoke on a Sunday night, terrifies the life out of the sort of fanatics who want to attack us.
“Meanwhile older, wiser gays can give us a psychological insight into the raging machismo and repressed desires of Russia.”
Captain Nathan Muir said: “I told my brigadier that I was an ‘otter’ so he said I should become a sniper ‘because of my excellent eyesight’.
“I explained that it simply means I’m hairy, but smaller than a ‘bear’ at which point he said he had always thought of himself as a large coypu.
“This could take a while.”