Bring back National Service, say people who've given it f**k all thought

NATIONAL Service in the armed forces should be reinstated immediately, according to dense people who have not thought it through.

After the idea was floated by Chuka Umunna’s independent group of MPs, millions of Britons immediately agreed that making other people join the army sounds brilliant.

Administrative assistant Nikki Hollis said: “Teaches them discipline, stops them being snowflakes, keeps them off the streets, I’ve given it three seconds’ thought.”

“All this knife crime would stop in a minute if young people were highly trained in all forms of combat and addicted to their own adrenaline. That’s for sure.

But Colonel Tom Booker of the 3rd Armoured Division said: “Managing tens of thousands of bored, unsuitable recruits is our nightmare. I won’t be handing them grenades.

“If someone’s doing something useful like becoming a doctor, why put them in the army? What if they run off? Do we want to make deserters out of people who only wanted a job in Sainsbury’s?”

An undeterred Hollis added: “I wouldn’t have to do it myself, right? There’s no way I could do a 10-mile route march. I look bad in flats.”

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I'm your prime minister now

Hello there, I am Arlene Foster, leader of the DUP and your new prime minister, and I have a few changes in mind. 

I don’t like what you’ve done with this country. There aren’t enough Union Jacks up. None of you are British enough.

Why aren’t you farmers? Farming’s an honest profession. No time for idle hands. Closer to God. Let’s have you all farmers now.

And you do know that Ireland’s in the EU? You can’t trust them. They’re bastards. You don’t know them like I do. 

Which areas are your Catholics in? What do you mean they’re not all in one area? That’s ridiculous. You want to be rounding them up.