28-year-old woman has hobbies that would make a Suffragette vomit

A WOMAN who spends all of her free time sewing, baking and ballroom dancing would make the Suffragettes turn in their graves. 

Talented graduate Susan Traherne, who could be doing anything, has instead convinced herself she enjoys activities normally associated with Edwardian ladies or overworked scullery maids.

She said: “I spent all day slaving over a hot stove on Sunday. I made buns, bread and a delicious fruit cake which I’ve wrapped in greaseproof paper in the pantry until it’s properly aged.

“My other passion is sewing, but that’s gradually being replaced by crocheting coasters and antimacassars no one uses anymore, which is much more fiddly and time-consuming.

“I’m also into the new trend of folding things very neatly after ironing them. Sadly I’m single at the moment, but one day I’ll have a husband to show what a wonderful house I keep.”

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “She’s begun visiting WH Smith buying pensioner magazines for the knitting patterns. It’s terrifying.

“I tried to educate her by taking her to a museum showing how women became emancipated from domestic slavery, but now she’s set her heart on a mangle.”

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Which of this week's three historic Brexit votes are you?

THERE are three crucial Brexit votes this week: May’s deal, no-deal, and extending Article 50. But which one are you?

How would you describe yourself? 
A) An abject failure, hated by everyone.
B) Completely insane, but demanding to be taken seriously.
C) I don’t know. Ask me again towards the end of June.

What would other people say is your key characteristic? 
A) My stubborn refusal to see past my own flaws.
B) My willingness to commit massive harm out of spite.
C) Maybe indecisiveness? Not sure. I’ll come back to you

What is your best quality? 
A) I exist and have been verified to do so by rational people. Otherwise not much.
B) My delusions. They’re absolutely fantastic. You should see them.
C) Great question. Really great question. Let me have a think.

What are your plans for the future? 
A) To pretend I’m what everyone always wanted despite growing evidence to the contrary. And perhaps, one day, to exit my own, very personal backstop.
B) To lie on a sunlit upland, nude and magnificent, while being showered in large-denomination banknotes.
C) The future! Oh, I love the future.

Mostly As: You are today’s vote on Theresa May’s Brexit deal, and will be resoundingly rejected once again. But don’t worry, you’ll be back.
Mostly Bs: You are tomorrow’s vote on a no-deal Brexit, and will be rejected with overwhelming force. But they can’t actually get rid of you.
Mostly Cs: You are Thursday’s vote on extending Article 50, and you’ll be swinging by every few months for years and years and years.