Bupa Takes Over Failing NHS Terror Cell

PRIVATE health care firm Bupa is being parachuted in to take control of the NHS’s failing British terror campaign, the Daily Mash can reveal.

The current NHS atrocity management team is to be removed immediately following a series of embarrassing terror blunders in London and Glasgow, and day-to-day control of the al-Qaeda offensive will be handed to a crack team of private sector executives.

Dr Stephen Malley, head of Bupa’s NHS taskforce, said: "The NHS terrorists are good people with good intentions and they are doing their best to incinerate themselves and the public in very difficult circumstances. But it is clear they need private sector expertise.

"There is too much red tape and form filling involved in NHS fanaticism. We will outsource that work to a call centre in Pakistan and let terrorist doctors be terrorist doctors."

Dr Malley promised the public would see immediate results with a rapid reduction in waiting times for terror operations and a huge decrease in survival rates. 

A spokesman for al-Qaeda welcomed the move saying it was obvious the existing NHS terror managers were "useless fuds" who could not organise "a virgin deflowering in paradise".

However, the move has been criticised by health sector unions who described it as a threat to the founding principles of the NHS, that terror should be available to all and free at the point of delivery.

Roy Hobbs, of the health services union Unison, said: "The NHS has some of the finest terrorist doctors in the world today, and this is an insult to their hard work and dedication.u

"This is privatisation by the back door and will lead to a two-tier terror service. Before you know it people will have to pay to have themselves blown up, and that is unacceptable."

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Murdoch Offers £2.5 Million For Royal Baby

MEDIA tycoon Rupert Murdoch has tabled an opening bid of £2.5 million for the next royal baby.

Prince Edward and his wife Sophie, who are expecting their second child later this year, are understood to be reluctant to sell to Mr Murdoch and are hoping for a bidding war between the Australian-born billionaire and Britain's own Sir Richard Branson.

The News International boss sees a move into European royalty as the next logical step for his multi-national business.

If the bid is successful the child would be raised inside Murdoch's vast volcano headquarters in the South Pacific before being unleashed at the age of 18.

The royal teenager would then leave a trail of scandal across London, Gloucestershire and Verbier while giving weekly exclusive interviews to the Sun and the Wall Street Journal and capturing every moment on camera for Sky One and the Fox network.

The child, who would refer to Murdoch as 'Uncle Rupert', would also be given a column in the Sunday Times.

Paul Bratter, a media analyst, said: "He's been desperate to own a human being for years, but the right deal has never come up.

"Since the mid-80s he's tabled bids for Macauley Culkin, the creepy little kid from Sixth Sense and Frankie Muniz from Malcolm in the Middle.

"A royal baby is more adaptable and the merchandising opportunities are much stronger. This will be his legacy."