SCOTLAND’S official uniform for the Commonwealth Games is intended to start a war with England.
The patently ridiculous get-up is expected to provoke English mockery at such a level that Scots will take up arms.
Alex Salmond said: “Scotland has a grand tradition of looking absurd in battle, from painting our faces blue to putting skirts on men.
“It’s all calculated to get the other side laughing, which gets our people fighting mad.
“By the time the Games begin, English laughter will be filling the air and our boys in turd-coloured socks and shirts that would shame a stand-up comedian will pour across the border wielding sharpened sporting equipment.
“Based on our war record Scotland will lose, but the brief conflict will unite the country behind independence from the UK.”
Glaswegian Bill McKay said: “I knew there had to be a good reason for us hosting the budget version of the Olympics.”