Controlled Explosions Linked To Insurance Scam

DOZENS of cars blown-up across the UK in the wake of the failed terror attacks are part of an elaborate insurance scam, the Daily Mash has learned.

Car owners, unable to sell their old vehicles, are paying up to £50 to have them destroyed in controlled explosions.

The owners then claim the write-off value of the car from their insurance companies who agree to  pay-out because the car has been blown-up.

Wayne Hayes, an insurance expert, said: "Why pay £20 to have it stolen by some bobble-head drug addict who'll then make an arse of it?

"Pay a little bit more and the car will be totally fucked-up by professionals with absolutely impeccable credentials.

"Insurance companies are hardly likely to start poking their noses in at a time like this. It would be unpatriotic."

One explosives official said: "With rising interest rates, the odd cash-in-hand job is very welcome.

"If blowing up a Saab 900 means a nice pair of shoes for my Angela, then I'm happy to oblige.

"And as insurance companies are all complete shits, it's a victimless crime."

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Macaskill Brings Mini Poppadoms To 'Cobra' Meeting

MILLIONS of Scots slept easier in their beds last night as justice secretary Kenny MacAskill took full control of the nation's security. 

Mr MacAskill said he was "thrilled" to be invited to his first 'Cobra' meeting and would be taking along a packet of mini poppadoms, a jar of lime chutney and some Indian lager of his own "just to help out".

“It may seem unusual for all the top security people in Britain to sit about drinking loads and loads of cold beers and eating curry during a national crisis, but we have to carry on as normal, otherwise the terrorists will have won,” he said.

Mr MacAskill has been allowed to join meetings of the Westminster based Cobra committee, as long as he promises to be quiet and put his hand up when he wants to speak.

If he behaves well at his first two meetings, and is able to answer a simple questionnaire at their conclusion, he will be allowed to put out the pens and jotters at the next sitting.

The justice secretary’s swift assumption of control of the nation's security proved immensely reassuring to ordinary Scots.

Ethel Girvan, 86, said: "Kenny is the right man for the job, he has first hand experience of the arrest process, and is already on first name terms with a number of senior police officers in London, particularly in the Wembley area."