Dacre and Rusbridger to have slap-fight after work

PAUL Dacre and Alan Rusbridger are to have a fight in the street at 6pm this evening.

The two men have been goading each other for the last week, culminating in an agreement to take it outside, as long as it is not raining.

But experts said the fight will be pathetic as both men are solidly middle class.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “They will stare at each other for a full minute, grimacing like a couple of old ladies with urinary tract infections.

“Then they will rush forwards, flapping their hands while keeping their faces turned to one side and their eyes firmly shut.”

He added: “It will probably end when Rusbridger’s glasses fall off or Dacre hears one of the voices in his head.”

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Thom Yorke warns isolated tribes about Spotify

RADIOHEAD singer Thom Yorke is visiting the world’s remotest places to warn their inhabitants about Spotify.

Travelling by canoe with limited provisions, Yorke was in the Andaman Islands yesterday educating tribal elders about the shortcomings of the music streaming service.

He said: “Sometimes it’s a bit laborious because I have to begin my lecture by explaining the concept of electricity, how that led to the development of computers, electronic communication and subsequently music streaming.

“Generally however by the time I get to Spotify they are really on side.

“For many of these tribes it’s the first time they’ve been asked to consider residual payments and whether artists really need record labels.

“But if I can get the anti-Spotify, pro-creativity message out when people are still at the hunter-gatherer stage it can only be more effective.

“A couple of times I’ve had arrows fired at me. In those cases I can only assume Spotify representatives got there first and poisoned the locals’ minds against me.”

Yorke uses a combination of monologue, mime and chalk drawings to describe how Spotify’s business model is weighted against artists.

He added: “It’s not like I’m obsessed with Spotify or anything, I just feel really strongly about it.

“I’ve got mild fever and an insect bite the size of an ostrich egg but I need to keep doing this.”