Drinks Companies To Throw Lager Into School Playgrounds

DRINKS manufacturers will start lobbing cans of lager over school gates if alcohol adverts are banned before the 9pm watershed, the Daily Mash has learned.

The companies hope that lager-tossing will help them maintain close contact with a key demographic and prevent children from spending their money on drugs.

A spokesman for the British Association of Drinking said: "Would you rather your children were enjoying a long, cool glass of sophisticated continental-style lager or rubbing crack-based products onto each others tongues? I know which one I'd choose.

"As well as drug dealers, we are competing with fish and chip shops, burger outlets, knife stalls and whoever is selling High School Musical on DVD."

He added: "A lot of people say to me that Britain is becoming a less friendly place and I tell them it's because our children aren't drinking enough.

"In the 1950s crime was at an all-time low, we had full employment and everyone loved everyone else and it's because our children were incredibly drunk all of the time. Ask Tony Benn, he'll remember."

The spokesman stressed that, "if you're child has been drinking heavily at least you know they'll be getting a decent eight hours sleep wherever they happen to be at the time".

The drinks companies have also drawn up plans to leave large sacks filled with a wide selection of beers, wines and spirits at the school gates so that children can experience a choice of beverages as soon as they have finished learning.

"If it helps, just think of it as a big lucky-bag filled with happy-sleepy juice," the spokesman said.

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All Parents Killing Their Children Say Government

EVERY parent in Britain is to be charged with the attempted murder of their own offspring under the latest Government proposals to combat child obesity.

All packed lunches made for schoolkids will have to contain a health warning saying “I am trying to kill you” signed by one or other parent and a picture of a child with a huge fat arse.

Parents will also have to stand at the dining table during breakfast and evening meals saying “another forkful of that and you will die tonight in your sleep you fat twat” as their children eat.

Ed Balls, minister for childhood obesity, said the drastic measures were necessary because all parents were homicidal maniacs intent on the destruction of their own children and the entire human race.

He said: “Fatness is now the biggest killer of pre-school and school age children. Not only are thousands of kids dropping down dead everyday because of fat but many of them are falling on other children too either maiming or killing them as well.”

He said the average weight of a three year-old child in Britain was now 17 stone, a staggering 50 per cent increase on what it was only 20 years ago.

New courts have been constructed to cope with the huge number of cases that will result from the Government crackdown with specially expanded and reinforced witness boxes for huge children to testify against their parents.

To speed up the process each child will be sat in the scales of justice and if found to be heavier than the ghost of Lena Zavaroni their parents will be shot on the spot, added Mr Balls.