Drinks Companies To Throw Lager Into School Playgrounds

DRINKS manufacturers will start lobbing cans of lager over school gates if alcohol adverts are banned before the 9pm watershed, the Daily Mash has learned.

Is there anything more heartwarming than a couple of pissed-up British toerags?

The companies hope that lager-tossing will help them maintain close contact with a key demographic and prevent children from spending their money on drugs.

A spokesman for the British Association of Drinking said: "Would you rather your children were enjoying a long, cool glass of sophisticated continental-style lager or rubbing crack-based products onto each others tongues? I know which one I'd choose.

"As well as drug dealers, we are competing with fish and chip shops, burger outlets, knife stalls and whoever is selling High School Musical on DVD."

He added: "A lot of people say to me that Britain is becoming a less friendly place and I tell them it's because our children aren't drinking enough.

"In the 1950s crime was at an all-time low, we had full employment and everyone loved everyone else and it's because our children were incredibly drunk all of the time. Ask Tony Benn, he'll remember."

The spokesman stressed that, "if you're child has been drinking heavily at least you know they'll be getting a decent eight hours sleep wherever they happen to be at the time".

The drinks companies have also drawn up plans to leave large sacks filled with a wide selection of beers, wines and spirits at the school gates so that children can experience a choice of beverages as soon as they have finished learning.

"If it helps, just think of it as a big lucky-bag filled with happy-sleepy juice," the spokesman said.