GORDON Brown will remain prime minister if the Conservatives win the next election, as the party launches a new campaign to make itself completely and utterly pointless.
Shadow chancellor George Osborne said that, if elected, a Tory administration would also retain the current Cabinet, including Douglas Alexander, and continue to pursue all its ideas and policies for the duration of the first Parliament.
He added: "This is the culmination of more than 10 years of hard work. William Hague laid the groundwork, Iain Duncan Smith made an invaluable contribution and Michael Howard was a creepy bastard.
"Under the leadership of David Cameron the Conservatives can now look the British people in the eye and say that we are ready to govern in exactly the same way as the Labour Party."
He said that after a Tory victory Mr Cameron would have a seat in Cabinet so he could offer an encouraging thumbs-up to Gordon Brown and say "you go for it big guy" at the end of every meeting.
Mr Cameron would also provide tea and coffee making facilities, as well as a choice of continental or full English.
In addition Mr Cameron would offer Gordon Brown a range of massage options including a soothing shoulder rub during tense Cabinet meetings and all-over tone and relax with essential oils and an Enya CD.
Mr Osborne said: "David will wear white overalls and Gordon will have to keep one of those little towels over his 'no-go area'. But apart from that he is quite willing to rub him all over."