THE city of Newcastle has assembled an army to march north and annexe Edinburgh while it is dukeless and defenceless.
Following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, who had previously protected the city with his legions, the Toon Army hope to take the city by storm.
Lieutenant-general Steve Malley said: “Howay lads, now’s our chance. Let’s get ourselves an arts festival.
“The only thing stopping us taking the jewel in the Jock’s crown all the years has been the Duke inspiring that drunken rabble to form an effective fighting force.
“With their commander gone, and the continued integrity of his awards system in doubt, we can take the whole city and erect a Newcastle flag high on Arthur’s Seat before they even know what’s hit them.”
The expected conflict follows the abandonment of Sussex by its Duke for a life in exile in California, its invasion by the Duke of Cambridge’s forces, and the subsequent reign of terror of the cruel Kate, Princess of Knives.