Shoddy parking, and other reasons your dad wants to bring back hanging

CAPITAL punishment was abolished in 1964, which was too soon, according to your dad. Here are some random irritations that make him long for the days of the hangman’s noose.

Dog mess

Nothing will get your father calling for a hanging quicker than dog shit on the pavement. Not even murder or treason, which it was designed for. ‘It’s the owners who are the real animals,’ he’ll say, suggesting there’ll be no leniency for people who genuinely forgot their poo bags.

Shoddy Parking

A constant annoyance to your dad, as he is an expert behind the wheel. He owns driving gloves, has watched all of Top Gear, and always reverses into parking spaces, no matter how unnecessary it is. Has someone’s front wheel crept three millimetres onto the white line? If it was up to dad, they’d be headed for the gallows.

Teenagers at bus stops

He has no idea what they’re up to, but inevitably it’s ‘no good’. Their crimes range from ‘waiting for a bus’ to ‘trying to get off with a girl from the year above’. But rather than do something positive like helping at the local youth club, your dad feels the solution to youth delinquency would be Albert Pierrepoint.

Modern footballers

‘They don’t make footballers like George Best anymore,’ your Dad never tires of telling you. And in his more irate moments of watching the footie, any footballer who takes an obvious dive ‘wants stringing up’. Another capital crime in your dad’s eyes is any sort of injury, or needing a stretcher. The Premier League would be a bloodbath if your dad was in charge.


They think they own the streets, don’t pay road tax and look truly harrowing in lycra. As far as dad is concerned they can all go to the noose. But to be fair to dad, he also believes that elderly drivers, anyone in a nicer car than him, and people who don’t let him merge into traffic should also be hung by the neck until dead.

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Five memes that need to die a slow, painful death

SICK of seeing jokes regurgitated on social media with diminishing returns? Watching these five memes meet a grisly end would put a smile on anyone’s face.

Condescending Wonka

Sadly, this screencap of Gene Wilder from 1971’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory accompanied by a wry remark will likely be the actor’s most enduring cultural legacy. Despite dating back to 2010, this meme is still trotted out by morons who are incapable of thinking up their own witty comment. Kill it.

Distracted boyfriend

This stock photo of a man admiring another woman while his girlfriend looks on in disgust led to some amusing variations for a while, but it got old fast. Even the most creative versions that crop up provoke nothing more than a raised eyebrow and a weary sigh. ‘Yes,’ you say to your screen in a monotone, ‘very funny.’

How it started/how it’s going

This is nothing more than an opportunity for people to brag about how well their life is going. Posting a gawky old photo next to a sexy new one is apparently acceptable when accompanied by this caption, even though it’s nothing less than shameless showing off. Although versions with the reverse trajectory are admittedly quite funny.

Unpopular opinion swords

This frame from Disney’s Tangled of a man with dozens of swords pointed at him is used by online contrarians when discussing their controversial hot takes. Ironically, the most popular opinion on the internet is that this meme format is so pointlessly dull and overused that it needs to be sliced up by the very blades it depicts.

Whatever is big in the news today

Social media has become so proficient at churning out memes that a dozen more based on today’s news will have popped up while you’ve been reading this. And will have worn thin in minutes. Suddenly all those lazy, horribly overused Futurama memes don’t seem so bad after all.