Wednesday, 12th May 2021

Shoddy parking, and other reasons your dad wants to bring back hanging

CAPITAL punishment was abolished in 1964, which was too soon, according to your dad. Here are some random irritations that make him long for the days of the hangman’s noose.

Dog mess

Nothing will get your father calling for a hanging quicker than dog shit on the pavement. Not even murder or treason, which it was designed for. ‘It’s the owners who are the real animals,’ he’ll say, suggesting there’ll be no leniency for people who genuinely forgot their poo bags.

Shoddy Parking

A constant annoyance to your dad, as he is an expert behind the wheel. He owns driving gloves, has watched all of Top Gear, and always reverses into parking spaces, no matter how unnecessary it is. Has someone’s front wheel crept three millimetres onto the white line? If it was up to dad, they’d be headed for the gallows.

Teenagers at bus stops

He has no idea what they’re up to, but inevitably it’s ‘no good’. Their crimes range from ‘waiting for a bus’ to ‘trying to get off with a girl from the year above’. But rather than do something positive like helping at the local youth club, your dad feels the solution to youth delinquency would be Albert Pierrepoint.

Modern footballers

‘They don’t make footballers like George Best anymore,’ your Dad never tires of telling you. And in his more irate moments of watching the footie, any footballer who takes an obvious dive ‘wants stringing up’. Another capital crime in your dad’s eyes is any sort of injury, or needing a stretcher. The Premier League would be a bloodbath if your dad was in charge.

Cyclists

They think they own the streets, don’t pay road tax and look truly harrowing in lycra. As far as dad is concerned they can all go to the noose. But to be fair to dad, he also believes that elderly drivers, anyone in a nicer car than him, and people who don’t let him merge into traffic should also be hung by the neck until dead.