Saturday, 8th May 2021

The sure-fire losers to back in the Grand National

PUTTING your once-a-year bet on, for a bit of fun? Here are the horses dead-on guaranteed to make the bookies money: 

Shiverman’s Lament (3/2) 

A galloping piebald who came third in the Covid Cup last year, ridden by diminutive Irishman Kieran O’Conlon, well suited to soft ground up to and including mangrove swamp. Trained by the Big Fast Horsey stables, expected to lose but gallantly. 

Muskrat Lovehandles (5/1) 

A laser-guided burnished bronze who won the Dubai Cash-Waster, ridden by diminutive Irishwoman Arlene Foster. Performs well on concrete, multi-storey car parks and the western concourse of the Trafford Centre. Can get overexcited when asked to beat other horses in a race. 

Shaking, Sweating, Palpitations (9/2) 

A Farrow & Ball off-white mare who has never won anything, which is expected to provide powerful motivation. Rides well on haunted ground including graveyards and sites of major injustices. Trained by pointing at a picture of a finish line and saying ‘run towards this’. 

Ursine Orgy Attended By The Queen (16/1)

A cross-hatched urban stallion who triumphed over a mixed field to win Best New Artist at the Brit Awards in 2019, ridden by diminutive Crownlander Tyrion Lannister. Form has tailed off since realising that horses that fall and injure themselves get shot. Semen is worth 0.866 Bitcoins per centilitre. 

I’m Sorry, There Was Nothing The Doctors Could Do (44-evens) 

A former shire horse slimmed down to racehorse weight for this event, performs superbly on ground disputed by one or more sovereign nations. The jockey is a child found unattended in a nearby pub and given crisps. Trained by Deep Blue. 

Anotherloverholenyohead (100/0) 

Spectral horse that manifests only at times of grave national crisis. Gallops through dreams as warning of looming disaster, showing excellent form. Won the 1914 Kaiser Cup, the 1939 Appeasement Chase and the 2019 Pandemic Classic. Expected to romp home.