The sure-fire losers to back in the Grand National

PUTTING your once-a-year bet on, for a bit of fun? Here are the horses dead-on guaranteed to make the bookies money: 

Shiverman’s Lament (3/2) 

A galloping piebald who came third in the Covid Cup last year, ridden by diminutive Irishman Kieran O’Conlon, well suited to soft ground up to and including mangrove swamp. Trained by the Big Fast Horsey stables, expected to lose but gallantly. 

Muskrat Lovehandles (5/1) 

A laser-guided burnished bronze who won the Dubai Cash-Waster, ridden by diminutive Irishwoman Arlene Foster. Performs well on concrete, multi-storey car parks and the western concourse of the Trafford Centre. Can get overexcited when asked to beat other horses in a race. 

Shaking, Sweating, Palpitations (9/2) 

A Farrow & Ball off-white mare who has never won anything, which is expected to provide powerful motivation. Rides well on haunted ground including graveyards and sites of major injustices. Trained by pointing at a picture of a finish line and saying ‘run towards this’. 

Ursine Orgy Attended By The Queen (16/1)

A cross-hatched urban stallion who triumphed over a mixed field to win Best New Artist at the Brit Awards in 2019, ridden by diminutive Crownlander Tyrion Lannister. Form has tailed off since realising that horses that fall and injure themselves get shot. Semen is worth 0.866 Bitcoins per centilitre. 

I’m Sorry, There Was Nothing The Doctors Could Do (44-evens) 

A former shire horse slimmed down to racehorse weight for this event, performs superbly on ground disputed by one or more sovereign nations. The jockey is a child found unattended in a nearby pub and given crisps. Trained by Deep Blue. 

Anotherloverholenyohead (100/0) 

Spectral horse that manifests only at times of grave national crisis. Gallops through dreams as warning of looming disaster, showing excellent form. Won the 1914 Kaiser Cup, the 1939 Appeasement Chase and the 2019 Pandemic Classic. Expected to romp home.

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Getting a mortgage, and four other things that will turn you into a Tory

IT’S said that people become more conservative as they age, but why does that happen? Here are some life events that will turn you from a radical young firebrand into a stuffy old Tory.

Getting a mortgage

You spent years paying through the nose to live in a shitty rental property and blamed the right-wing capitalist state for sucking you dry. But the second you buy your own property you’ll be outraged by the outrageous charges involved and would basically vote for Hitler if he gave you a tax break.

Having children

Having children is a magical experience all about nurturing others – until you realised you wanted them to become hedge fund managers so they could keep you in your old age. And they’ll only be able to do that if they go to the private schools that Tories love.

Sitting in your garden 

Your garden should be a peaceful oasis and it won’t be if the a farmer in the neighbouring field agrees to have a wind turbine installed. F**k low-cost energy for poor rural areas – you want to be able to hear your Sonos system playing Radio 4 from the kitchen.

Buying a massive car

A car isn’t a real car until it’s a f**k off huge SUV that makes a window-shaking racket when you start it up in your executive village to commute, is it? Those snowflake lefties will stop you waking them at 6.30am unless you vote for your shit, parachuted-in Tory MP.

Getting old

Are you finding this new-fangled world confusing and worrying? Don’t try to understand it for the sake of the grandchildren: get angry and reactionary and demand the government put everyone under the age of 50 in prison instead. It’s for their own good.