Google kicks Queen in the face

GOOGLE has kicked the Queen squarely in the teeth, it has been confirmed.

On the 60th anniversary of Her Majesty’s accession to the throne the search giant pointedly refused to dedicate its home page ‘doodle’ to the sovereign’s landmark, instead using it to pay tribute to some dead French pervert.

Today’s ‘doodle’ celebrates the 80th birthday of something called ‘Francois Truffaut’ about whom little is known apart from his definite Frenchness and probable deviance.

Experts predict the snub is the bestial precursor to an all out assault on our way of life.

Denys Finch-Hatton, editor of Mike’s Peerage, said: “Francois Truffaut had a largely unintelligible walk-on part in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and, as far as I am aware, did absolutely nothing else.

“But Google, run as it is by mincing, non-Christian foreigners, sees fit to honour this sweaty, fat lipped non-entity while sending Her Majesty a letter bomb filled with razor blades and polio.

“The Queen may as well be dead. We should now set fire to everything.”

A spokesman for Google said: “Queen Elizabeth and Britain can go fuck themselves. We look forward to urinating into their dying faces.”

Tomorrow’s ‘doodle’ will mark the 90th birthday of Hattie Jacques by comparing her to Hitler.



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Chelsea-Man U 'a great advert for atheism'

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

While smaller clubs across the country had to turn away vital revenue due to frozen pitches over the weekend, Chelsea and Manchester United earned some more millions of pounds to give to their squad of human-shaped players in a manner no deity would allow.

The coverage of the game also furthered the secular argument by featuring a 10 minute encomium to how much Martin Tyler would like to have sex with Manchester United and because of the very existence of Sky Sports in the first place.

Theological Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The traditional concept of a creator is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving being that made everything from the mightiest pot belly of a shirtless, racist Chelsea fan to the tiniest patch of hair on Wayne Rooney’s eyebrow.  

“But if god were truly omnipotent he would not allow United to claw back a three goal deficit giving every prick in the home counties the chance to talk about ‘their’ fighting spirit as if they were somehow responsible for Howard Webb.

“Similarly, if he were truly benevolent he’d either let Torres get a goal so he can stop staggering around the pitch like Bambi after his mother was shot or lightning bolt him out of his misery.

“And any all-knowing deity worth a wank would have worked out that a ‘great game for the neutral’ would have involved more players being eaten by crocodiles.”

Religious supporters have argued that the resurrection of Paul Scholes and the miracle of Jonny Evans’ career point to a higher power.

But Hayes insisted: “Every single player on that pitch is richer than you will ever be and is probably having sex right now with a woman so beautiful it would make your penis cry.

“God is dead and Jeff Stelling killed him.”