Massive Gig To Explain Pointlessness Of Afghan War

AN estimated 60,000 fans are to gather at Wembley Stadium for a series of charity lectures on the intractable nature of the war in Afghanistan.

The gig is being organised as part of the Financial Times
‘Explanations for Morons’ campaign to raise vital funds that will be
used to encourage people to think about something other than their own
stupid little lives for five minutes.

The all-star line-up includes Dr Julian Cook, from the Royal United Services Institute, Stephen Malley, professor of central Asian history at Reading University, Roy Hobbs from the London School of Economics and Sir Elton John.

Professor Malley will warm up the crowd with a 15 minute set explaining Afghanistan’s complex tribal and ethnic structure, using his trademark Nobo Quantum 2511 overhead projector.

Dr Cook will then set out his argument that containing Al Qaeda does not require a resource-heavy ground war in Helmand Province, before Sir Elton delivers the keynote lecture, Is Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan?

Dr Hobbs and the LSE Big Band will then perform Benny and the Jets.

Cook fan, Helen Archer, said: “I haven’t seen Julian on stage for years. I loved his lecture on the Shiite Hegemomy of Post-Baathist Iraq at Knebworth, though admittedly I was off my tits on Chinese spangles for about 90 percent of it.

“But I think it’s really great that these guys are giving up their time and coming together to pay tribute to the pointlessness of the war.

“It’s very easy to forget that British troops are out there doing something incredibly brave and futile every day while we all sit at home thinking it’s still got something to do with terrorism.”

The organisers have also promised a few surprise guests with hints they could include Little Britain‘s Matt Lucas and David Walliams, Frankie Sandford from the Saturdays and Sergei Vasiliev, a private in the Soviet army from 1982 to 1988, who will come on stage, hold his plastic leg in the air and call President Obama a big, stupid bastard.


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You Shouldn't Be Forced To Buy A Second-Hand Rover 200, Claims Crazy Think Tank

CONSUMERS should be able to choose whether or not they want to buy a useless, second-hand car and leave it rusting in their driveway, a crazy right-wing think tank has claimed.

The Adam Smith Institute said that Rover 200 buying should be done on a voluntary basis and that perhaps you should not have to go to jail if you don’t want one.

A spokesman said: “It just sits there doing nothing except attracting talentless, foul-mouthed vagrants who want to use it as their home.

“And once they’re in it’s very difficult to get them out. Eventually you’re forced to break into your neighbour’s Audi and fill it with Special Brew.”

But Bill McKay, one of that lot from Stevenage, said: “This is just typical, out-dated Thatcherite ideology trying to tell me that I shouldn’t have to buy something. I am filled with hate.”

And Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park, added: “This research has obviously been funded by one of those large, right-wing American car companies owned by an Australian.

“These amoral bastards won’t be happy until everyone in this country can decide for themselves.”

Wayne Hayes, head of the Rover 200 studies module at Doncaster University, said: “While they are obviously psychotic fascists, they do raise an interesting point about why you have to have a rusty old piece of shit in your drive whether you want it there or not.

“Some people genuinely like having to buy a useless, second-hand car every year and then just leave outside their house. It makes them feel more British.

“But ultimately, I just don’t think we can have a meaningful debate in this country about reforming the system of Rover 200 purchasing while Sir David Attenborough is still alive.”