MOST British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the home secretary said yesterday.
Jacqui Smith insisted there was widespread public support for state-sponsored beatings and being asked to hand over your papers.
She said: "People have been coming up to me in the street and demanding I set about them with a baseball bat.
"One man even handed me a bamboo cane before getting down on his hands and knees and suggesting I start with his buttocks.
"And you would not believe the number of people who have already applied to be stripped naked and thrown in a police cell with a single, bare light bulb that is on 24 hours a day while being pummeled with a high pressure hose whenever they try to go to sleep.
"I ask them 'would you not want to know what you'd been charged with?' and they say 'no, of course not, that would be a victory for Al Qaeda'."
She added: "As I've always said, the vast majority of sensible people in this country understand that being at the business end of a brutal and unprovoked assault will actually make them safer.
"In fact, just last week I got a letter from an old lady who asked me to chase her onto the bus and then shoot her in the face.
"I thought I was going to cry."