Queen destroys aircraft carrier

THE Queen has destroyed Britain’s newest aircraft carrier after hitting it with a bottle.

The monarch had planned to christen the Queen Elizabeth but moments after the bottle made contact, the £3 billion vessel shook violently and collapsed into a heap of twisted metal.

The Queen stood silently before the wreckage and then shook her head slowly and mumbled ‘what the fuck is wrong with this country?’.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “The ship builders forgot to use rivets. These things happen. It’s only money.”

A Downing Street spokesman added: “We’ll probably use the metal to make a enormous, baffling sculpture to be positioned on the outskirts of some northern hellhole in a bid to trick people into thinking it’s a nice place to live.”


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Business success based on crossing your arms

THE secret to being successful in business is posing for photographs with your arms crossed, it has been confirmed.

Innovation, persistence and hard work have proved to be less vital than folding your arms and staring smugly but resolutely at a camera.

Self-made millionaire Denys Finch-Hatton, who was the first person to realise you could rent limousines to scum, said: “No matter how much money I made, nobody seemed to respect me.

“Then, one day, I caught myself in the mirror and saw my arms dangling uselessly at my sides like the trailing fronds of a jellyfish.

“Slowly, I picked up my right arm and placed it over my left and a glow of cocksure self-satisfaction suffused through me.

“No longer did I look lost or confused. My facial expression said ‘Look at me, proles. I could buy and sell your bottom-feeding life on a whim.’

“’And you know why? Because, unlike you, I know what to do with my arms.’”

Francesca Johnson, a failed entrepreneur, said: “I couldn’t fold my arms convincingly. I looked like I was frantically scratching my lice-infested armpits.

“Frustrated beyond belief I gave up, telling myself that a head for figures and a sensible approach to risk was more important anyway.

“Within a month all my businesses went into liquidation and I now work the night shift in a fish-gutting plant.

“It’s all in the arms.”