Revealing Brexit plan ‘would give succour to our German foe’, warns May

DEFINING what Brexit actually means will only strengthen the forces of The Hun, Theresa May has warned.

Accusing those demanding greater clarity on the issue of ‘appeasement’, she insisted: “That is just what Fritz wants us to do.”

She said: “Now is the time to ‘keep mum’.

“There are Germans within our midst. Who’s that chap in your local pub, standing on his own at the end of the bar, trying to look inconspicuous but listening intently to your every word?

“Confront him. Ask him who won the FA Cup in 1976. If he does not know the answer immediately, you will know he is a ‘Jerry’ and you must then chase him down the street.”

May added: “If Frau Merkel and her henchmen get wind of the Grand Plan then Germany will conquer our proud island, leading to thousands of decent Britons being forced into high quality manufacturing jobs.”

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Nan seduced by fake camaraderie of Strictly

AN 84-YEAR-OLD grandmother thinks everyone on Strictly Come Dancing actually likes each other.

Nan Mary Fisher is somehow unable to see through the cloying fakeness that permeates the BBC dancing programme, despite family members pointing out the numerous fixed grins and death stares.

Fisher said: “That Tess seems nice, and I bet her and Claudia are best friends in real life.

“The judges all seem happy and easygoing. There’s no way any of them would be insecure or demanding.

“That pretty young dancer girl was genuinely excited when she got Ed Balls. Perhaps she thought he was a good shadow chancellor.”

Fisher’s daughter Carol said: “Strictly creeps me out, it’s like the worst sort of joyless fake fun.

“Nan loves it though, which is weird because there are several foreigners in it.”