Right-wing fury as Peace Prize goes to campaign to stop everyone being killed

RIGHT-wingers are furious after an organisation that wants to prevent cataclysmic violent death was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

They said the award, to the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICAN), was ‘typical’ and ignored the efforts of the right to achieve lasting peace by killing as many people as possible.

Britain’s Defence secretary Michal Fallon said: “Stupid. Bloody. Hippies.”

But a spokesman for the Nobel Committee said: “We have fucked this up in the recent past. The EU, Barak Obama. Not fantastic decisions. Anyway, we thought we should really stick to giving the Peace Prize to people who are really into peace.

“Likewise, we didn’t give the Nobel Prize for Physics to Graham Norton. We’re not saying Graham Norton is completely ignorant of physics, but he’s chat show host rather than a ground-breaking physicist.

“ICAN may be a bunch of hippies, but they are definitely opposed to a nuclear holocaust. If you’re going to order a load of nuclear submarines it means you are at least entertaining the possibility of a nuclear holocaust.

“So no Peace Prize for you.”

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Liam Gallagher’s brilliant career marred by his albums

EX-OASIS vocalist Liam Gallagher has sadly spoiled the great joy he brings to the world by insisting on making a record.

Gallagher’s solo album As You Were was released today, casting a terrible shadow over his promising new career as a man who swears creatively on YouTube.

NME writer Tom Logan said: “Why can’t he stick to picking fights with his brother? Why this?

“Now everyone’s going to have to talk about his music as if it had some kind of value just because they want him to come on their shows and call Noel a fucking potato.

“Liam is the last great rock’n’roll star, he’s got attitude, swagger, wit, brio. It’s just a shame he has to go and ruin all that by recording albums.

“It’s like when you were laughing away at The Young Ones and suddenly it cuts to Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Really ruins the fun.”