Thousands dead in Bannockburn re-enactment

OVER 5,000 people have been killed in a faithful re-enactment of the Battle of Bannockburn.

Several hundred more fatalities are expected over the next few days, as survivors succumb to gangrene and dysentery.

History enthusiasts descended on Stirling to commemorate the battle’s seven hundredth anniversary by dressing in medieval costumes, getting tanked up on mead, and hacking one another to death.

Medieval buff Tom Logan said: “It’s great because the number of people who died corresponded almost exactly with the real battle.

“I love learning about early fourteenth-century battle tactics, and then using that knowledge to stab people with pikes in a historically accurate way.”

Spectator Emma Bradford said: “We put a helmet on my youngest and let her stab a wounded longbowman in the throat, which beats another Dora the Explorer marathon all ends up.”

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Rain dampens spirits

CLAIMS that rain wouldn’t dampen spirits at Glastonbury and Wimbledon this weekend have been proved wrong.

Attendees of the outdoor events, which are only held in the summer in the vain hope that it might not be pissing down, confirmed that the weather had a hugely negative effect.

Susan Traherne of Sheffield said: “The BBC filmed me saying ‘The rain won’t stop us having a good time!’.

“But that’s just something you say, isn’t it, because in reality everyone hates being wet.

“I do hope the performers in the John Peel tent know we were only in there for shelter. I’d hate them to think they were actually any good.”

Julian Cook, who visited Wimbledon, said: “It takes more than a few drops of rain to spoil my weekend!

“It takes, in fact, all the tennis matches I’d paid a great deal of money to see being cancelled because of that same rain. That spoiled my weekend good and fucking proper.”

Psychologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Rain ruins everything.

“But without it we wouldn’t be able to enjoy sitting indoors ruefully shaking our heads at anyone unwise enough to be out in it.

“That wouldn’t be a Britain worth living in.”