Trump has pressed fake nuclear button CIA gave him eight times this week

DONALD Trump has pressed the large fake red button that the CIA told him would set off nuclear weapons eight times this week.

A White House insider said, “He was watching a repeat of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? yesterday and he got the $1,000 question wrong and he just totally lost it and said that people needed to pay for that.

“The question was ‘What is the capital of Peru?’ So you can guess who he decided to nuke for that one.

“Bolivia. Because that’s what he thought the answer was.

“He then decided that Italians were generally a bit rude so he knew how to sort that out.

“He’s currently under the impression that we also nuked France yesterday because he once received unsatisfactory service in a restaurant in Barcelona.

“There are a number of things wrong with that sentence but if we start highlighting them then we have to start highlighting all the other stuff too and we really don’t have the time.”

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The Mash guide to improving your attention span

DOES your mind jump between unrelated subjects? Do you have 85 browser tabs open at once? Have you checked Instagram between this sentence and the last sentence? Try this: 

Focus on one thing at a time
Try the pomodoro technique, where you focus for 25 minutes before taking a 5-minute break. Why’s it called pomodoro? Sounds like a Latin American fruit. Best Google it.

Put your phone out of sight
We’re all painfully aware of the impact our phones can have on our wellbeing. But also, your last tweet could be going viral and you could be missing out on career opportunities so just check it quick.

Turn off notifications
Turning off notifications is a sure-fire win, enabling you to be the master of your own time. Time in which you can feel unwanted and unloved because nothing is popping up to tell you otherwise.

Try yoga
Yoga fixes everything. There’s no way anyone would ever have phone addiction in India. But you’ll definitely need to shop online for some yoga clothes first. Perhaps a hairband too? Oh, it’s lunchtime somehow.

Listen to white noise
Cool, it sounds like a rainstorm! When was the last big storm here? Best check that. And what are you meant to do in a storm? Safety first. You’re meant to have candles and torches and things, aren’t you? Time to put together a disaster pack from eBay.

This might be the best solution. But what are the side effects of Ritalin? A quick check on webMD will do it and certainly not be the start of an anxious, two-hour journey into a health horror rabbit hole…