THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it it has emerged.
As nine brown men were deported for having beards, the police blamed the Home Office, the Home Office blamed MI5 and MI5 warned everyone it could kill them with its thumb.
An inquiry will now be launched into why the prime minister was allowed to scare the shit out of everyone, though experts insist it may just have had something to do with the news agenda.
A police spokesman said: "We were hoping to charge them with conspiracy to go to the shops to buy crisps and Tizer, but according to our lawyers that that's not an actual offence, as yet.
"We have therefore taken the precautionary step of sending these men and their potentially explosive beards back from whence they came."
He added: "Come to think of it, Bob Quick must be absolutely fucking livid. Whadya reckon?"
A spokesman for home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Embarrassed? No, we're way, way beyond embarrassment at this stage.
"That's a bit like asking a streaker if he's embarrassed because he hasn't shaved."