Very Big Terror Plot Not Very Big Or Terrifying Or A Plot, Admit Police

THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it it has emerged.

As nine brown men were deported for having beards, the police blamed the Home Office, the Home Office blamed MI5 and MI5 warned everyone it could kill them with its thumb.

An inquiry will now be launched into why the prime minister was allowed to scare the shit out of everyone, though experts insist it may just have had something to do with the news agenda.

A police spokesman said: "We were hoping to charge them with conspiracy to go to the shops to buy crisps and Tizer, but according to our lawyers that that's not an actual offence, as yet.

"We have therefore taken the precautionary step of sending these men and their potentially explosive beards back from whence they came."

He added: "Come to think of it, Bob Quick must be absolutely fucking livid. Whadya reckon?"

A spokesman for home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Embarrassed? No, we're way, way beyond embarrassment at this stage.

"That's a bit like asking a streaker if he's embarrassed because he hasn't shaved."

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Brown Somehow Manages To Make Total Arse Of MPs' Expenses

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has surprised Westminster by somehow managing to make the scandal over MPs' expenses even worse than it already was.

Mr Brown has proposed abolishing the controversial £24,000 a year second home allowance and replacing it with a £25,000 a year dragging-your-fat-arse-into-work allowance.

Under the old scheme MPs would have to submit receipts to the Commons authorities, thereby allowing the public to at least speculate on the titles and content of the pornography.

Under the new scheme MPs will get around £170 a day just for being where they are supposed to be, but crucially will not have to submit receipts, allowing them to use taxpayers' money to watch as many Hungarian donkey films as they want.

Julia Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: "I've been up all night racking my brains and I cannot, for the life of me, work out how he managed to fuck this up.

"The key task here was to stop giving MPs lots and lots of free money, or at least make sure that when they got the free money they didn't use it to take the utter piss.

"But what he has actually done is guarantee them even more free money while at the same time – and this is the bit that I love – making it even easier for them to take the piss."

She added: "For a man who has set new benchmarks in being an unmitigated fucking catastrophe, this could be the crowning moment of his career."

A Downing Street spokesman said: "I don't suppose you've got any jobs going? Please help me."