We kind of assumed you wanted to kill us, army tells Taleban

BRITISH troops have assured the Taleban that the intention to kill them has been perfectly clear for a while.

He sees 'good soldiers' and 'bad soldiers'

A Taleban statement saying they would like to kill Prince Harry was met with an explanatory Venn diagram showing the intersecting circles ‘Prince Harry’, ‘is in the army’ and ‘Taleban wants them dead’.

Field Marshal Denys Finch Hatton said: “I’m slightly disappointed to hear that they have possibly been avoiding hurting Harry up until this point, as that seems rather unfair on the rest of the chaps if nothing else.

“If they’re going to start issuing separate threats to every one of our troops then they’re not going to have time to take potshots at us from ditches because frankly there are sodding thousands of us.”

The British armed forces have asked the Taleban if there is anybody from Western society that they don’t want to kill, as this could be a far quicker way of expressing their intentions and it would also help decide who to put at the front of convoys.

Taleban chiefs are known to enjoy the BBC cookery series Masterchef, and there is early speculation that Greg Wallace could be used as a human shield.

Hatton said: “The Taleban always shout after they’ve shot at us, which I took to be a form of war cry, but I’m beginning to think they’re letting us know who they were aiming at.”

Harry himself has not issued a response to the statement, but is thought to be taking security advice during a game of strip Monopoly somewhere in Camp Bastion.