Murray vows to drive the English out of Scotland

TENNIS champion Andy Murray is using his fame to unite Scotland against the English, it has emerged.

The 25-year-old Scot is the first British person to win a Grand Slam title in 76 years, making him a huge celebrity in his home country where he is known as ‘Braveracket’.

Murray said: “This victory is sweet, but it is nothing compared to the taste of freedom.

“What you have seen here today is just a small example of what a Scot can achieve if he is bold, carries a metal implement and has vengeance in his heart.

“There is one true monarch of Scotland – the rightful king Sean Connery. With the English fled or dismembered and Sean on the throne, we may set about building a strong, free, golf and tennis-based country.”

Murray’s victory was greeted with cries of ‘Freedom!’ from his legions of face-painted Scottish followers – mostly wild-haired men and women clutching emaciated babes – thousands of whom had gathered outside the Arthur Ashe stadium but were refused admission on grounds of having lice.

Andy Murray is a direct descendant of the outlaw tennis player William Murray, who in 1291 offered to beat any English man in straight sets. But although unassailable on the court, William Murray perished when troops set fire to his bothy.

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said: “This is a great day for British sport. However treason cannot be tolerated, and will be repaid with death.

“Murray can pledge loyalty to the Queen and live out his days as a wealthy Lord with rich lands and many sons, or we’ll have his head on a stick.”

 

 

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Guest blog: Davros

I, Davros, had an appointment to see an ATOS healthcare assessor last week.

“Can I see some id please?” said the man behind the desk.

“I do not carry ID, I am Davros, sworn enemy of the human race – well everyone except Stephen Fry, who is a national treasure …. national… treasure !!!”

“Calm down, Mr Davros.”

“I am calm…. I…. am… calm!! And I am not ‘Mr’ Davros – I am ‘Davros’…. everyone addresses me so, everyone that is except Danny Dyer who calls me ‘fella’… fella!”

Davros has been confined to this chair type-thing for thousands of your earth years – cast your mind back to a time when dinsosaurs roamed the earth and Colin Baker had a size 34 waist. That will give you some kind of an idea exactly how long I’ve been… in… this… chair… in…. this… chair !!

“Mr Davros, can you lift your arm above your head?”

“Davros can lift his arm above his head. Davros can do anything he puts his mind to. Davros is the supreme being !!”

“In that case, Mr Davros I’m ruling you fit to return to work.”

“Curse you ATOS healthcare assessor who’s not quite a doctor….curse….you.”

Davros has been sleeping rough after having his house reposessed after losing his benefits and a bad run on the gee-gees… house re… pose… ssed !!!!

The other night in a dingy backstreet a man asked Davros to do things with him in return for twenty pounds… twenty pounds ! This would never have happened on Skaro, where Davros was pretty much a god.

So Davros has finally collected enough money on the street to have a pint of Bombadier in the Crawley branch of Wetherspoons – Davros is sat next to a man who’s breath smells like Tom Baker’s undercrackers after a night on the Guinness. Night… on… the… Guinness.