Murray vows to drive the English out of Scotland

TENNIS champion Andy Murray is using his fame to unite Scotland against the English, it has emerged.

He goes into battle semi-naked

The 25-year-old Scot is the first British person to win a Grand Slam title in 76 years, making him a huge celebrity in his home country where he is known as ‘Braveracket’.

Murray said: “This victory is sweet, but it is nothing compared to the taste of freedom.

“What you have seen here today is just a small example of what a Scot can achieve if he is bold, carries a metal implement and has vengeance in his heart.

“There is one true monarch of Scotland – the rightful king Sean Connery. With the English fled or dismembered and Sean on the throne, we may set about building a strong, free, golf and tennis-based country.”

Murray’s victory was greeted with cries of ‘Freedom!’ from his legions of face-painted Scottish followers – mostly wild-haired men and women clutching emaciated babes – thousands of whom had gathered outside the Arthur Ashe stadium but were refused admission on grounds of having lice.

Andy Murray is a direct descendant of the outlaw tennis player William Murray, who in 1291 offered to beat any English man in straight sets. But although unassailable on the court, William Murray perished when troops set fire to his bothy.

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said: “This is a great day for British sport. However treason cannot be tolerated, and will be repaid with death.

“Murray can pledge loyalty to the Queen and live out his days as a wealthy Lord with rich lands and many sons, or we’ll have his head on a stick.”