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32-year-old has crush

A 32-YEAR-OLD man has been forced to confront the fact that, as well as a mortgage and back pain triggered by sleeping the wrong way, he also has a crush. 

Digital services manager Tom Booker of Croydon made the upsetting discovery after catching himself smiling at a Teams message from Sophie Rodriguez, who he had previously considered ‘someone from work’.

Booker said: “I thought I was past this. I own an air fryer. I own an air fryer cookbook. I compare energy tariffs for fun. I shouldn’t be lying awake replaying every second of a conversation about oat milk like it’s the final scene of a Richard Curtis film.

“But her hair is so beautifully flaxen, her laugh so reluctantly won, her emojis so exquisitely chosen. How can I not? My friends have kids and pension plans while I’m wondering if this ‘lol’ on Slack means anything.

“My heart beats louder when she passes. She replied quickly to my request for the Q3 accounts, which is a good sign. But it might be because she didn’t want to get in trouble with her line manager.

“Others know. I asked Dan how my shirt looked and he snickered. I saw him talking to her and I broke into a cold sweat. I’m too old for this. I shouldn’t have to navigate complex feelings when I make an involuntary noise when I stand up.”

Sophie, aged 31, said: “I yearn for him, but it can never be. For we are on different lunch rotas.”

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The Mary Celeste, and other mysteries with simple explanations and totally bollocks ones

SO bored you’re always Googling various historical mysteries at work, and leaping immediately to believe the most outlandish theory? You should not do that: 

Jack the Ripper

Basically a bad man murdered prostitutes. Grim, but it happens. It only becomes interesting if you claim it was Queen Victoria’s grandson or doctor or Walter Sickert. As there’s no way of proving it, why not just say it was Victoria herself? ‘I will cleanse London’s streets with the blood of whores,’ she may have said, dual-wielding katanas.

The Mary Celeste

A ghost ship found drifting and abandoned, chances are because its cargo of ethanol caused a fireball. So the crew fled an industrial accident then drowned because they didn’t have radios or GPS in 1872? That’s boring. Far better if they were abducted by aliens, though getting anally probed on a UFO is a busman’s holiday for sailors.

The Baghdad Battery 

Clay jars that could be low-voltage electric batteries 1,800 years old, used to power who knows what? Though they weren’t because they were containers for scrolls. However, ‘They’re jars’ is boring compared to ‘History is a lie!’ so believe the latter. You’ll have the last laugh when they find the Baghdad iPhone.

The Dyatlov Pass Incident

How did nine experienced Russian hikers end up dead with many of their clothes missing? Aliens and a yeti attack are both incredibly stupid explanations, but without them all you’ve got is an account of people killed by an avalanche and hypothermia. Stick with a yeti eating their tongues and eyeballs. That’s much better.

The Hexham Heads 

A pair of two small stone heads, found in 1971 presumably when there wasn’t much else going on, claimed to move on their own, cause poltergeist activity and summon werewolves. There’s not a shred of proof but once you’ve invested 45 minutes in a paranormal podcast you’re the dick if none of it happened, aren’t you?

Lord Lucan 

Where did the nanny-murdering peer go? Does he survive to this very day? No. He drowned himself shortly after the murder. Or, if you want something more lurid for the pub, his aristocratic friends fed him to lions at a private zoo ‘to protect the Establishment’. A conspiracy with massive risks and no real benefit. Perfect second pint material.

Alien jellyfish

Aliens now appear as giant hovering jellyfish, most famously at a US airbase in Iraq. Terrifying, as long as nobody says ‘That’s a bunch of balloons’ or ‘It’s moving at windspeed as a bunch of balloons would’ or ‘Why is this video so low-quality? Nobody has an iPhone?’ The true mystery? Why you’re wasting your time on this bollocks.

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