85 percent of homeworkers list 'get dressed' as number one annual goal

GETTING dressed is the number one challenge for people working from home, with ‘getting out of bed’ in second place.

According to The Institute for Studies, the number of people who spend the working day festering  in their pyjamas has doubled in the past 10 years.

Home-worker Roy Hobbs, said: “There’s so much to do in the morning, what with getting out of bed and eating and everything. Especially if you get up as late as I do, something’s gotta give.

“Also if I spend the whole day in my pyjamas, I save myself a job at bedtime.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This study confirms that people working from home are lazy arseholes, worthy only of contempt from us mugs who are fully dressed by 7am. Most of them don’t even have a washing machine.”

Hobbs admits: “Sometimes, I get caught out by a video conference, in which case I just dress my top half. Working from home has forced me to think outside the box. And also to eat cornflakes three times a day.

“I haven’t showered since 2017 but there are no pathetic colleagues around to complain about that.”

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Festival of Brexit cancelled due to everything about it

A FESTIVAL to promote Brexit has been cancelled because it was an incredibly terrible idea on every level, the organisers have revealed.

The event had been dogged by problems including administrative wrangles, performers pulling out and being the worst thing ever conceived by humanity.

Promoter Roy Hobbs said: “When your headline acts are an Elvis impersonator and three members of Bucks Fizz that’s not a festival, it’s just a weird dream.

“Not many Brexiters would have come anyway because a lot are elderly and think festivals are full of dirty hippies with Hendrix perms injecting heroin and saying ‘man’.”

Brexiter Donna Sheridan said: “I just don’t understand how a festival with Nigel Farage, an orchestra and some of Bucks Fizz could go wrong.

“It’s clearly a conspiracy by the EU because they want to destroy traditional English culture like Making Your Mind Up. ”