A five-step guide to pissing your time up the wall when working from home

DOES your boss stupidly allow you to spend days at home ‘working’? Here’s how to make the most of what is essentially a massive skive.

Be a smug bastard about your partner having to go to work

Make yourself a cup of tea, take it back to bed and lie there sipping smugly while they search desperately for the car keys you amusingly hid the night before.

Watch the whole of This Morning

You probably haven’t ingested this much inane nonsense through your eyeballs since the days of Richard and Judy, so while you plan on only watching five minutes you’ll sit through the whole two hours in a state of disbelieving glee.

Make an incredibly elaborate lunch

Your usual lunch at work is a sad egg sandwich eaten at your desk so make the most of having the kitchen to yourself by creating a masterpiece worthy of Heston Blumenthal and creating a lot of mess.

Spend the afternoon in an increasingly weird YouTube hole

Enjoy not having your boss monitoring your every move by watching a YouTube video of a duck that’s friends with a kitten. Then click on another video and another and another until you find you’ve wasted four hours but have become an expert on 9/11 conspiracy theories.

Panic because you’ve done absolutely fuck all work

Spend the remaining five minutes of your working day making up an elaborate lie to tell your boss about how you couldn’t do any work because there was a mysterious power cut between 9am and 5.30.

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Only thing keeping man going is not working for Deliveroo

A MAN whose life is shit regularly cheers himself up with the pathetic tactic of remembering that he does not work for Deliveroo.

Office worker Tom Booker developed the technique after seeing a harassed Deliveroo rider stagger into a burger chain to take some mediocre food to a lazy bastard for not much money.

Booker said: “I’ve got a meeting in work tomorrow, by which I mean a bollocking, but as I receive another humiliating dressing-down I’ll just think ‘At least I’m not working for Deliveroo’.

“Also my girlfriend has said there’s something she needs to tell me in person, which isn’t a good sign. But the cool thing is I’m not weaving through traffic with a massive box on my back.

“My flat’s a dump and my career’s going nowhere, but again – no Deliveroo. Maybe I should have higher aspirations than not working for Deliveroo but it really makes me feel good about my life.

“To be fair I’ve heard the money isn’t terrible and there are probably worse jobs out there, but at least I’m not one of those losers on bikes.”

Booker’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t feel Tom is a good fit with our company and maybe he’d be better off in some sort of freelance outdoor catering logistics role involving plenty of exercise.”

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