Should you correct that person's f**king awful grammar?

WHEN a person makes a grammatical mistake it’s tempting to correct them, to help them learn and make yourself feel clever. But should you? Read our guide.

‘You’re’ and ‘your’

This one is so obvious that anyone getting it wrong probably has bigger problems than spelling. However it’s still fucking annoying so go ahead and correct them, even if it makes you the twat.

‘Less’ versus ‘fewer’

Tricky. When did you last see the phrase ‘Answer in 25 words or fewer’? Also a popular gripe among absolute twats who love criticising BBC newsreaders for saying ‘less’. Probably best to let this one go.

‘It’s’ and ‘its’

It’s easy to fuck this up through simple carelessness, and statistically you will have done so. Let he who is without sin make the first grammar correction. However, persistent misuse shows the offender is a lazy bastard who won’t just look it up once and for all, so go ahead.

‘Peaked’ when they mean ‘piqued’

Slightly grey area. It’s clearly wrong and thus annoying, but comes across as nitpicking. Also you don’t want to ‘pique’ anyone’s interest in giving you a punch in the face for being an arsehole grammar pedant.

‘Emigrated’ and ‘immigrated’

People who get this wrong are often blathering on about why we should leave the EU but they should be able to live in Spain hassle-free. Go ahead and make them look like a dunce.


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Jesus's guide to having a better Easter than him

HI. My first Easter wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but nowadays there are lots of things you can do without nailing anyone to a cross. Here’s my guide to a torture-free Easter.

Don’t crucify anyone

Easter can still be fun without brutal Roman punishments. Visiting relatives can be annoying, but resist the temptation to nail Uncle Geoff to a cross, however much he drones on about Brexit.

For fuck’s sake don’t take responsibility for mankind’s sins

Looking back, agreeing to die for mankind’s sins was a mistake. A slow, painful death puts a real downer on the bank holiday weekend, especially when there are so many other things to do. Have a mini-break in Paris instead.

Hold a garden party

Weather permitting, invite friends over for outdoor food and drinks. Pimms, prosecco and cocktails are all great summer thirst-quenchers, and much nicer than vinegar in a sponge on the end of a stick.

Don’t upset the Roman authorities

It’s unlikely you’re under the jurisdiction of the Romans if you live in, say, Crewe, but even so keep an eye out for soldiers coming to arrest you. With hindsight I should probably have legged it and opened a bar on the Costa Del Sol.

Organise an Easter egg hunt

Great fun for the kids. It requires a bit of effort, but not as much as dragging a massive cross up a hill, which I still feel was a fucking liberty considering I was the one getting nailed to it.

Have a family day out

Many National Trust sites and theme parks offer Easter discounts. This year I’m taking the whole family to Thorpe Park – me, God, Mary, my stepdad Joseph and that weird guy the Holy Ghost. We’re not really sure who he is, to be honest.