Today is equivalent of Friday, please work accordingly, say bosses

BUSINESSES have warned employees that due to tomorrow’s bank holiday today is the equivalent of Friday and they should work accordingly.

Guidelines have been issued by the government and passed down by management to ensure that nobody does a full Thursday’s work before the premature end of the week.

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “The old hands laugh it off, saying ‘As if anyone was going to do anything today’, but we’ve got younger ones in the building and it’s new to them.

“We only have a Friday bank holiday once a year, and it’d break my heart to see people rushing around and getting stuff done like this wasn’t the last day of the week.

“I’ve had to grab a couple of the juniors and tell them to take it easy. ‘Just imagine it’s Friday,’ I said. ‘Would you really be doing all Leanne’s photocopying then?’”

Payroll executive Helen Archer said: “It’s weird. It’s technically a half-day like on Fridays, but I keep sitting at my desk with the urge to work even though I know it’d be wrong to.

“I’ve bought a 12-pack of Creme Eggs to remind me, and every time I accidentally glance at my screen I make myself have one. It’s working so far, although I do feel extremely sick.”


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Women more likely to reach orgasm after buying Tupperware

A NEW study has revealed that women are more likely to reach a sexual climax after buying shitloads of plastic tubs.

Researchers found that romantic acts and foreplay were less likely to lead to women having orgasms than a good rummage in the food storage, flasks and bottles aisle at Asda.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s hard to explain. It could be to do with women’s domestic evolutionary role, but The Flintstones may not be 100 percent historically accurate.

“Or it’s possible that Tupperware is strong, rugged and dependable, unlike most men, which is sexually attractive in itself. It’s a kind of Clint Eastwood you can store cold baked beans in.”

Woman Nikki Hollis said: “The last time I properly got off I’d just bought this tub with a blade it in it that can chop onions.

“I can just add a tomato and an egg to that and I’ve got a salad. That kind of practical food storage solution gets me bubbling like a garden water feature.

“A good set of abs on a man is sexy, but they don’t do it for me like a six-pack of stacking boxes tightly pressed together.”