Are you an office sociopath or an actual sociopath?

ARE you unsure if you’re just a horrible person to work with or a proper psycho who collects severed fingers? Take our quiz and find out.

You find a colleague unwittingly drinking from your special Garfield mug. What do you do?

A) Totally overreact, accusing them of ‘showing a lack of personal respect’.

B) Sew their lips together.

A member of staff makes a serious but honest mistake. What do you do?

A) Unnecessarily humiliate them in front of the entire office.

B) Unnecessarily torture them in a warehouse full of Saw-style themed punishments, eg. forcing them to eat a calculator for cocking up the invoices.

How do you deal with minor disputes with co-workers?

A) Go ballistic in a really mental fashion that leaves a tense atmosphere.

B) Say nothing, start following them home from work, check out van rentals and order some chloroform and cable ties.

Your company organises a rounders game on Friday with drinks and nibbles. How do you behave?

A) You are way too competitive, spoiling everyone’s fun.

B) You are way too competitive, lopping off all the opposing teams’ arms and legs with a chainsaw.

Where’s that guy Andy who used to work here?

A) Working for Vodafone in Mitcham after he got sick of your manipulative, unstable personality.

B) In a shallow grave in the woods. Apart from his head, which is in your basement with Mother.

Mostly As. You are a workplace sociopath. You’re a pain in the arse for everyone you work with, but at least you’re not sauteing their brains. Yet.

Mostly Bs. You are a violent, out-of-control psychopath. But as long as you turn up to work on time, HR are unlikely to be bothered.

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Boss sure handing out manky leftover sandwiches will really boost morale

A MANAGER is convinced that handing out leftover sandwiches from meetings is massively appreciated by his dispirited staff.

Norman Steele believes dried-up tuna and cucumber sandwiches more than compensate for employees’ low pay and are welcomed with joy and excitement.

He said: “I don’t like to brag, but I’m an incredibly generous boss. I could have just chucked them in the bin or charged 5p for them.

“Instead I’m giving them away for nothing to my hardworking staff. These scrummy taste sensations will definitely put a smile on their faces.

“Admittedly the sandwiches look a bit dishevelled, and most of them are dry on one side and completely soggy on the other, but that’s just interesting contrasting flavours.

“I won’t be having any myself, but that’s purely because of all the Christmas pud and turkey.”

Data inputter Emma Bradford said: “They did boost my morale because while I was gnawing at the damp bread and rubbery ham I wasn’t thinking of throwing myself out of a window.”