What sort of Remain traitor are you?

FROM the Speaker of the House of Commons to the most lowly office monkey, half the population of the UK is a traitor to Brexit. But what level are you?

Did you vote Remain because you’re a bit worried about people losing their jobs and stuff? You are an Ordinary Level One Remoaner, worthy of nothing more than being deported to France.

Have you actively opposed Brexit, marching against it and sending people earnest articles by Polly Toynbee? You are a Chattering Classes Level Two Remoaner. You will have your precious Guardian subscription cancelled.

Did you try to stop Brexit by voting against it in the House of Lords or criticising it on a cosy TV appearance with Michael Portillo? You are an Elite Level Three Remoaner who will be put in a labour camp where you will be humiliatingly made to drive a white van.

Are you an MP who opposed the Will of the People as clearly expressed through their Prophet Johnson? As a Collaborator Level Four Remoaner you can expect to have your head put on a spike, or maybe just get shouted at by knobs.

Are you Speaker of the House of Commons, deviously using parliamentary rules the government usually takes advantage of? You are a Quisling Level Five Remoaner and David Davis will get you with his SAS training.

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We want you to hear us having sex, say foxes

FOXES get off on people hearing them having loud sex, they have admitted.

The mammals, famed for their screeching late-night banging sessions, have finally confirmed that they are massive exhibitionists.

Fox Roy Hobbs said: “You think we have loud, public sex while humans are trying to get to sleep by accident? Please. We’re all kinky as shit.

“When we’re shagging I’m like, ‘Yeah, get a load of this, you sexually repressed suburban squares. This is what a real fox stud and a hot vixen sound like doing it.’

“We love it and we’re not going to be fox-shamed for our lifestyle. From what we’ve seen through windows, humans having sex can get pretty raunchy. Yeah, we’re voyeurs too.”

He added: “If any broadminded couples want to hook up, just leave your mobile number on a Post-it on your bin.”