Are you probably going to be sacked?

ARE you getting bad vibes from your boss and fear you may soon be fired? Take our fun quiz and find out for sure!

When you arrive at work on Monday what does your boss do?

A. Cheerfully say something like, “Hi, Jim. Did you have a nice weekend?”

B. Look as if their dog has just died and frantically check the clock in the desperate hope they can sack you for repeated lateness.

What is the highest praise you have ever had at work?

A. “Brilliant stuff, Jenny. The whole project would have been up shit creek without you holding the fort.”  

B. “Well, at least there are some simple tasks you can do without completely fucking them up.”

At your last ‘performance review’, what did your boss ask you?

A. What training you need to develop your skills and advance within the company.

B. Whether you’ve ever considered a totally different career, such as going to fight in Afghanistan or becoming a hobo.

What was the last advice your boss gave you?

A. “Keep up the good work and you’re looking at becoming head of department eventually.”

B. “You’re not a bloody student anymore so pull your bloody socks up or you’re out on your arse. AND STOP STARING OUT THE BLOODY WINDOW WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!”

What happened the last time you asked for a pay rise?

A. Your boss worked out a generous package because they “wanted to hang onto the good people”.

B. Your boss burst into laughter and told you to fuck off.

Mostly As. Your job is secure but you’re probably the sort of corporate bellend who says things like, “Really enjoyed the marketing brainstorming session, Gavin!”

Mostly Bs. You may soon be out of a job. Nick as much stuff from work as you can, although you probably already do that.

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Urban homeowner pretending to be happy about graffiti

AN URBAN homeowner is insisting he loves the graffiti that has appeared on his wall.

Before purchasing the property, Tom Booker told friends he was looking forward to living in a gritty neighbourhood with real character and was quick to confirm his joy at the random images and scrawl.

Booker said: “One of the best things about buying in a real, living neighbourhood is the pop-up art around the place. I’m not at all annoyed there is now some on the house I saved up for years to buy.

“There’s a really raw, edgy quality to it. They’ve obviously gone to a lot of trouble drawing that stylised dog. Or it could be a machine gun. It’s hard to tell.

“OK it’s not a Banksie but it definitely adds character. On the cock they’ve drawn the balls aren’t symmetrical but the bellend is pretty much perfect.”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “There’s no way Tom really likes the graffiti, but then he did claim the potholes filled with McDonald’s wrappers on his road were ‘indicative of a thriving community’.”