Are you 'quiet quitting' or just doing your f**king job? Take our quiz

‘QUIET quitting’ is the latest bullshit buzzword to sweep the tabloids. So have you started doing the basic minimum at work? Find out with our quiz.

What time do you get to work?

A) I shuffle in ten minutes late looking hungover. It’s happened so often people assume this is my contracted starting time.

B) Two hours before everyone else. That way I look really productive despite only pissing about on social media all morning.

How much work do you do per day?

A) Exactly what needs to be done to prevent me from being fired and nothing more. If the company pays minimum wage they’re going to get minimum effort.

B) As well as performatively completing my own duties, I like to micromanage everyone else’s workload. This impresses colleagues because I am an office junior on my notice period.

Your boss needs you to take on extra duties. How do you react?

A) I quietly let them say their piece then forget all the details once they’ve finished. If they ever chase me up on it I’ll say it’s ‘on my to-do list’.

B) I gladly take it on then whip up an unnecessary spreadsheet to track my progress. When I achieve any sort of minor goal I shout ‘Result!’ in the pin-drop silence of the office.

Life outside of work is…

A) Obviously way more important. That’s why I spend most of my working day daydreaming about it instead of toiling away on my meaningless tasks.

B) An irritating obstacle that gets in the way of sitting at my desk and hammering my keyboard. I would come in at the weekend if security didn’t keep turning me away.

It’s 5 o’clock. What do you do?

A) Instantly stop what I’m doing, grab my coat and head for the door. Even if I’m halfway through a presentation, I’m off. Nobody can get annoyed because according to my contract that’s technically fine.

B) Bid my colleagues goodbye as they leave then hunker down for a fun evening of staying on late. If I keep up this grind my boss is bound to respect me.


Mostly As: This is perfectly normal work behaviour, don’t let the papers trick you into thinking you’re quiet quitting. In fact you could probably afford to take a few random sickies every now and then. You’ve earned it.

Mostly Bs: You are a tedious over-achiever who has been indoctrinated by hustle culture. Have you thought about quiet quitting? It’s where you turn up to your job and wearily do the bare minimum. You’ll feel much happier and get paid exactly the same.

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Please tackle inflation by doubling my mortgage, homeowners beg

HOMEOWNERS are begging the government to counter inflation by doubling their monthly mortgage payments as soon as possible.

Mortgage holders, who all borrowed as much as they could because they vaguely remembered Kirstie Allsopp advising them to in the 00s, believe there is no other way to beat the inflationary price rises devastating their household finances.

Tom Booker of Swindon said: “The most effective lever against inflation is interest rate rises. So instead of pissing about with half-a-percent, let’s jack it right up.

“Inflation’s ten per cent? Then match it, like James Bond at the poker table. Raise interest rates to ten and stare inflation right in the eyes, daring it to make the next move.

“My mortgage? Well, currently I’m paying £1,056 a month, which is a stretch because I’m on a wage freeze, but I’m sure I could handle £1,817 with heating bills, petrol and food prices all plummeting because inflation’s beaten. That’s how it works, right?”

Susan Traherne of Whaley Bridge agreed: “My husband’s been laid off, our savings are gone and I’m struggling to buy a week’s worth of groceries. So the Bank of England needs to step to it. Bring the pain. Whatever it takes.”

Lucy Parry of Reading said: “What a hilarious time to not be a homeowner. Squeeze those bastards until they f**king bleed. Ah shit, my rent’s just gone up and now I’ve got £4 a week for everything else.”