Calling people lazy f**ks will definitely make them vote for me: The political genius of Liz Truss

HOW have I got to where I am today, about to take over from a worse-than-useless predecessor and become PM of a failing nation? My political genius, of course. Let me share some tips.

Never miss a photo opportunity

This is a tip I learned from Boris Johnson. In lieu of actually being able to do anything useful, dress up as somebody who can. I’ve cosplayed as many things, including train driver and tank commander, none of which I’d be remotely capable of in real life. I’d crash the train and wee myself in a tank battle, but it’s all about the ‘optics’.

Call struggling people lazy f**ks

Nothing makes people struggling with a cost of living crisis feel better than calling them lazy, workshy scum. It will spur them on to work harder and earn more, which will stop them being poor and fix the economy. Well, probably. I don’t really understand all that stuff, but who does?

Give memorable speeches

Not inspiring, statesmanlike ones, but speeches that sound like you’ve accidentally eaten a hash brownie and don’t want anyone to realise. You’ll remember my infamous ‘cheese imports’ oratory, of course. It will go down in history. Like Churchill’s famous war speeches, but completely mental.

Don’t be afraid to say mad shit

Politics isn’t just about being sensible and thoughtful. Sometimes you’ve got to mix it up by saying mad shit, like when I said I’d support Brits going to fight in Ukraine. You know, even those with no military training. It wasn’t batshit, it was insightful in a way you don’t understand because you didn’t go to Oxford like me.

Be white

If there’s one incredibly clever trick I know for getting on in politics, it’s being white, especially if you’re relying on paid-up Conservative party members to vote for you. This might not have quite as much currency come the general election, but I’ll have done something mental by then, like selling Wales to China or saying we need a dictatorship, so it probably won’t matter.

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What to do if you don't get the grades you need, by a neurotic middle class mum

IT’S the moment every parent dreads – your child failing to get into their Oxbridge college of choice. So what do you do next? Overambitious parent Charlotte Phelps gives her advice.

Don’t do anything ‘stupid’

If you haven’t got into Oxbridge, you may feel there is nothing to live for. But you can still have some sort of life, maybe as a wretched little regional bank manager. However if things are really bad, eg media studies at Aberystwyth via clearing, then it’s like you’ve entered the netherworld anyway.

Contact your back-up offer immediately

Get straight on the phone to your second offer. A place studying politics at Reading is very much the booby prize, but at least you won’t be stuck at home, a constant source of shame to your parents, like Prince Andrew.


Leave in the small hours and start a new life far away, maybe as an anonymous road sweeper or a Scottish lobster fisherman. Only return home once you have made amends by getting a job with Arthur Andersen. When you’ve failed to get a place dossing about smoking weed at a top university, it’s the only honourable thing to do.

Accept that you are a failed child and sibling

If you were the favourite child, that now falls to younger siblings who may still study law at St John’s or Corpus Christi. Also prepare for a less warm relationship with your parents. If you ask for a DJ mixing desk for Christmas, expect a Toblerone.

Claim you always planned a year out

Really you’ve been forced into resits and reapplying, but this might fool some people. It can even sound quite impressive as you share your frankly worthless knowledge of Thailand. It helps if you can cadge more money from your parents without feeling shame after already costing them bloody thousands in private tutors. Don’t get eaten by a shark in Phuket, eh, Hugo?


You can always attend some intellectual and social cesspit of a university, and simply pretend you went to Oxbridge. To convince people, overcompensate by wearing a blazer and cravat, and saying things like: ‘Jolly fine punting weather, what? I say, where’s Boffo? He owes me tiffin.’