HOW have I got to where I am today, about to take over from a worse-than-useless predecessor and become PM of a failing nation? My political genius, of course. Let me share some tips.
Never miss a photo opportunity
This is a tip I learned from Boris Johnson. In lieu of actually being able to do anything useful, dress up as somebody who can. I’ve cosplayed as many things, including train driver and tank commander, none of which I’d be remotely capable of in real life. I’d crash the train and wee myself in a tank battle, but it’s all about the ‘optics’.
Call struggling people lazy f**ks
Nothing makes people struggling with a cost of living crisis feel better than calling them lazy, workshy scum. It will spur them on to work harder and earn more, which will stop them being poor and fix the economy. Well, probably. I don’t really understand all that stuff, but who does?
Give memorable speeches
Not inspiring, statesmanlike ones, but speeches that sound like you’ve accidentally eaten a hash brownie and don’t want anyone to realise. You’ll remember my infamous ‘cheese imports’ oratory, of course. It will go down in history. Like Churchill’s famous war speeches, but completely mental.
Don’t be afraid to say mad shit
Politics isn’t just about being sensible and thoughtful. Sometimes you’ve got to mix it up by saying mad shit, like when I said I’d support Brits going to fight in Ukraine. You know, even those with no military training. It wasn’t batshit, it was insightful in a way you don’t understand because you didn’t go to Oxford like me.
Be white
If there’s one incredibly clever trick I know for getting on in politics, it’s being white, especially if you’re relying on paid-up Conservative party members to vote for you. This might not have quite as much currency come the general election, but I’ll have done something mental by then, like selling Wales to China or saying we need a dictatorship, so it probably won’t matter.
