EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities:
Voluntary drug mule
Many of those transporting illegal substances across international borders are coerced. Others, when offered cash, are confident six kilos of cocaine in their luggage will go undetected because they regularly take a larger-than-specified holdall on Ryanair and haven’t been stopped once. How risky is it, really? What, 20 years in an ex-Soviet prison?
Selling stolen goods in pubs
Why should supermarkets rip off the working man? You’re supporting hardworking British families by hawking shoplifted cuts of meat to the customers at your local, with a sideline in shampoos from Amazon packages you’d hoped were iPhones. And no need for this small business to do self-assessment tax!
Being a mukbanger
‘Mukbang’ is a Korean term for an individual who sits before a camera eating massive amounts of (deeply unhealthy) food. You could do that. It’s the perfect role for someone who has no discernible skills, no concern for their long-term health, and no hope of making their grandparents’ proud.
Buying clothes to sell them
You can make a nice little profit selling clothes you don’t wear anymore on Vinted. But that wasn’t enough, so you’ve started buying on Vinted then selling on DePop, or vice versa, and are already netting a cool £60 a month. All you need is for Princess Kate to be photographed in that Matalan onesie you picked up for £2.20 and you’ll be a millionaire.
Appearing on reality TV
Best case scenario, you become Molly Mae and have to pretend to break up with your boyfriend for money. Worst case you ruin your life, make yourself unemployable, can’t leave your house, can’t find another job and the Daily Mail does a write up about your pathetic life six months on. On balance it seems worth it.
Being ripped off
And there’s always just being defrauded, a role for which the unintelligent are perfect. Whether it’s cryptocurrency, non-existent casks of whiskey or just your mate Brandon’s pop-up festival curry stall, sinking money into a lost cause then appearing on local news reports claiming you couldn’t have known is a banker. Thank you for your service.
