Boss being on holiday better than taking one yourself

THE absence of a boss at work is more of a holiday than being on holiday, workers have confirmed. 

Employees have agreed that when their superior takes a fortnight off they feel just as relaxed, carefree and restored as if they were spending 14 days in Bermuda themselves.

Marketing executive Donna Sheridan said: “I arrived in the office this morning to an atmosphere of chilled-out relaxation. Everyone was smiling. Nobody was working.

“Nobody was peering over our shoulders. Nobody was calling meetings just to hear themselves talk. Nobody was forwarding random emails with ‘concern?? report end of day pls.’ It’s better than dipping your toes into the clear Aegean by far.”

Co-worker Martin Bishop agreed: “Real holidays are stressful. You have to buy tickets and insurance and Euros, and the family’s there giving you earache.

“But when the boss f**ks off I get to doss around on the internet for a week on company time. If Thomas Cook offered this I’d book it every year.”

Boss Roy Hobbs said: “I had a brilliant cost-saving revelation while I was away. You’re all fired.”

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Twat wearing sunglasses

THE first signs of spring are here and with them, some twat is already parading around in shades.

Temperatures remain low but blossom is on trees, rays of golden sunlight are penetrating through blankets of cloud, and local compulsive narcissist Tom Booker has donned his Wayfarers like the arsehole he is.

Cruising along in his 2008 Audi A4 with Drake blaring, wearing a white linen shirt open to the sternum, three-quarter length trousers and espadrilles, Booker is a sure sign that spring has arrived but not a welcome one.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “It’s lovely out, for March. It is in no way bright enough to need sunglasses, but Tom’s a twat.

“What can I say? The dick loves summer. And thinks by projecting a laid-back Mediterranean image in temperatures not warm enough to soften butter he’ll attract women, even though he’s not smiling. He’s clenching his teeth to stop them chattering.

“Like lambs in the fields and crocus poking out from the earth, Tom is a reminder spring is here and soon the beer gardens will be full of wankers in shades, the cities full of knobheads on their pathetic balconies, the roads full of middle-aged men in sports cars.

“In a way he’s a useful reminder that not everything about the changing of the seasons is good. Or, alternatively, he’s just a twat in sunglasses.”