Boss sure handing out manky leftover sandwiches will really boost morale

A MANAGER is convinced that handing out leftover sandwiches from meetings is massively appreciated by his dispirited staff.

Norman Steele believes dried-up tuna and cucumber sandwiches more than compensate for employees’ low pay and are welcomed with joy and excitement.

He said: “I don’t like to brag, but I’m an incredibly generous boss. I could have just chucked them in the bin or charged 5p for them.

“Instead I’m giving them away for nothing to my hardworking staff. These scrummy taste sensations will definitely put a smile on their faces.

“Admittedly the sandwiches look a bit dishevelled, and most of them are dry on one side and completely soggy on the other, but that’s just interesting contrasting flavours.

“I won’t be having any myself, but that’s purely because of all the Christmas pud and turkey.”

Data inputter Emma Bradford said: “They did boost my morale because while I was gnawing at the damp bread and rubbery ham I wasn’t thinking of throwing myself out of a window.”

 

What sort of Remain traitor are you?

FROM the Speaker of the House of Commons to the most lowly office monkey, half the population of the UK is a traitor to Brexit. But what level are you?

Did you vote Remain because you’re a bit worried about people losing their jobs and stuff? You are an Ordinary Level One Remoaner, worthy of nothing more than being deported to France.

Have you actively opposed Brexit, marching against it and sending people earnest articles by Polly Toynbee? You are a Chattering Classes Level Two Remoaner. You will have your precious Guardian subscription cancelled.

Did you try to stop Brexit by voting against it in the House of Lords or criticising it on a cosy TV appearance with Michael Portillo? You are an Elite Level Three Remoaner who will be put in a labour camp where you will be humiliatingly made to drive a white van.

Are you an MP who opposed the Will of the People as clearly expressed through their Prophet Johnson? As a Collaborator Level Four Remoaner you can expect to have your head put on a spike, or maybe just get shouted at by knobs.

Are you Speaker of the House of Commons, deviously using parliamentary rules the government usually takes advantage of? You are a Quisling Level Five Remoaner and David Davis will get you with his SAS training.