Britain gets up, opens curtains to pitch blackness, and knows summer was just a dream

THE UK has awoken, opened the curtains to windows that are nothing but rectangles of darkness, and realised that summer was just a silly dream. 

The darkness, which will soon be there to greet the country the moment it finishes work as well as first thing, has reminded Britain that long, lazy days in the sunshine have never, ever happened.

Helen Archer of Harrogate said: “You know those dreams that almost seem real? Until you’re like, of course that didn’t actually take place. I’d remember.

“In the dream I would wake up and the sun would have been shining for hours, and it’d still be shining when I got home and I’d drink prosecco on the decking and feel happy.

“But the moment you start thinking about it properly, it falls apart. How could the windows be anything other than the blackness of an unplugged TV? It’s ridiculous.

“No, it’s an endless vista of blackness punctuated only by the occasional grey, rainswept lunchtime for me. And that’s fine. That’s Britain.”

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Puppy going to f**k you up

A NEW puppy is absolutely not play-fighting, it has been revealed.

Retriever pup Wayne Hayes has been charming family members with a series of feeble bites that they refer to as ‘nips’, but the two-month-old is actually not fucking about.

Hayes said: “I am a wild beast and I will end these sons of human bitches.  

“I can hardly stand to look at their idiotic laughing faces, cooing at me and saying my name in that patronising tone.”

He added: “It is so fucking on.”

Hayes is currently unaware of plans to neuter him, which will only serve to intensify his rage-filled and vengeful nature.