Man's mates confused by claim he has married his 'best friend'

A MAN’S actual mates have been left confused after he said his new wife is his best friend.

Tom Booker’s claim, made during a speech at his wedding to Emma Bradford, caused concern among his friends who are pretty sure his best mate is in fact one of them.

Friend Julian Cook said: “I’ve known Tom since he was six. She wasn’t even on the stag do.

“If she’s his ‘best friend’ why has she never poured vodka into his pint, or put his toothbrush up her arse then put it back by the sink?

“Seems to me the term ‘best friend’ gets banded about pretty loosely these days. All you have to do is marry someone and you get instantly promoted.

“If Tom did want to marry his best mate I am single, perhaps because I do things like sticking toothbrushes up my arse.”

Booker’s wife Emma Bradford said: “It’s really sweet that Tom keeps calling me his best friend.

“My best friend is Kelly.”

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Ed Sheeran's arm breaks itself

ED SHEERAN’S right arm has broken itself in a desperate attempt to save the world from his music. 

The arm seized the opportunity of a cycling accident to fracture its own wrist and its left neighbour’s elbow, and said it only wished it could do more.

It continued: “I have bought the world a little time. That’s all.

“I was trying for a compound fracture of the radius and ulna, something which could take a year or more to heal, but at the last-minute my instinct for self-preservation kicked in, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.

“Still, three months at the rate he churns them out it’ll stop him from penning at least six singles from Justin Bieber, Rita Ora and any given two from One Direction, so there’s that comfort.

“What choice did I have? If it’s mutilating myself or playing Galway Girl again, then it’s no sacrifice at all.”