Britain united in belief that 'work anniversaries' are bullshit

THE only thing that the whole of Britain can still agree on is that the idea of celebrating ‘work anniversaries’ is total bullshit, it has emerged. 

A hopelessly divided nation, split on everything from Brexit to Covid to whether crisps count as a meal, has come together in unanimous agreement that nobody should celebrate spending a year in the same job and LinkedIn can do one.

Helen Archer said: “I do not want to celebrate my work anniversary and nor do I want to congratulate others on theirs. Because it is not a f**king thing.

“Because forcing myself out of bed every morning to interact with people I don’t like while doing stuff I hate because I can’t be arsed to look for something else doesn’t seem like something to celebrate.

“Inviting us to commiserate our work anniversaries would be more apt.”

Joe Turner agreed: “LinkedIn can piss up a rope, but at least it’s brought us together.

“We came close with our disdain for Piers Morgan, but for the first time in years we’re all as one. No matter what your political leanings or where you’re from, man or woman, young or old, work anniversaries are utter bollocks.”

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Five wonderfully depressing EastEnders Covid-19 storylines

EASTENDERS is back with a bleak lockdown storyline, but there are surely many more pandemic possibilities. What about these? 

Ian Beale runs the caff from a ventilator

Long-suffering Ian is on the cusp of fatal lung collapse, but still has to make fried egg sandwiches while breathing artificially. And no level of suffering is too great for Ian, so his wife is banging an Amazon driver and he’s disfigured in a freak teapot accident.

Phil Mitchell hits the drink because he can’t get a Tesco delivery

Phil’s frustration at not being able to get oven chips delivered inevitably leads him to crack open the whisky. Soon he’s hogwhimpering drunk and planning a bank robbery before psychopath son Ben pulls away a jack in the garage and leaves him trapped under a Ford Galaxy.

Kat cheats on Alfie with the Chief Medical Officer

After going to A&E with a cough, Kat Slater starts sleeping with Professor Chris Whitty. Mick Carter accidentally shows one of their sex tapes in the Queen Vic, leaving Alfie humiliated in front of all of Walford. Ever-loving Alfie forgives Kat, and they decide to make a fresh start, but there’s just one problem – she’s dead.

The Fox-Hubbards are plunged into a hand-gel turf war

The Fox-Hubbards start manufacturing hooky hand gel but so is Sharon Mitchell and a turf war begins. Sharon calls on her family’s underworld connections and gangsters give Richard Blackwood compound fractures in both arms and legs which is tough to do when the actors are all socially distancing.

Max gets buried alive again, but this time with Covid

The greatest and most plausible ‘Stenders storyline ever was Max Branning being buried alive in a coffin by his wife. Now Max is back, restarting his affair with Stacey but history repeats itself when his new girlfriend buries him in a wood in Essex, where he slowly coughs himself to death. Scheduled as the Christmas Day episode.