Business goes under as entire staff masters art of looking busy

A COMPANY has gone bankrupt after every member of staff perfected the art of looking like they were actually working.

The design agency in Peterborough failed after one staff member learned that as long as you look busy, no one will care. The method spread through the firm until no-one was doing anything at all.

Former office manger, Emma Bradford, said: “I turned up on my first day and immediately started walking around with a folder in my hand as if I had something to do.

“A week later I realised I hadn’t done a single thing. I told Julian in accounts and he then devised a system where he took 30 minute toilet breaks, four or five times a day and no one questioned it because they thought it was too personal.”

Former colleague, Stephen Malley, added: “I stared at the printer for about two hours a day and then when something printed off I stared at that for a good 45 minutes. And then I just repeated the whole process until it was time to go home.”

Former managing director Martin Bishop said: “Eighteen months ago, I placed a cardboard cut-out of myself behind my desk and left the building.

“Everyone looked so busy, I just assumed it would be fine.”

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Leicester named 2016 City of No Culture

LEICESTER has been named as next year’s UK anti-arts city.

The aim of the designation is to promote scepticism, ridicule and hatred of any from of art that is not obviously popular.

The initiative, which began in 2012, sees Leicester follow in the footsteps of Leeds, Gillingham and Burnley.

Curator Norman Steele said: “Events will include ‘Proper Painting’, featuring pictures of old churches and that sort of thing.

“We’ll also have an exhibition of finger paintings by toddlers entitled ‘Still Better Than That Rothko Bollocks’.”

Stage events include Shakespeare in Codpieces, featuring actors performing famous scenes in clothes that were probably worn in the 16th century, rather than suits and ties ‘and stuff like that’.

Meanwhile Leicester city hall will host a series of readings entitled ‘Books People Actually Buy’, featuring excerpts from the latest Top Gear Annual and Sharon Osbourne’s autobiography.