Casual Friday, and other shit ways your work tries raise morale instead of paying you more

IS your dreary office always looking to raise staff’s spirits? Here’s the bullshit they come up with instead of just giving everyone a raise.

Table tennis

It’s exactly what every financially-stretched working person wants – the opportunity to lose at table-tennis to Carl from IT support. Just remember that if you spend any of your actual working day playing, rather than breaks and lunchtime, you’ll get a verbal warning.

Casual Friday

Worried about making ends meet with rocketing inflation? Don’t fret, because your generous employer has said you don’t have to wear a tie on Fridays – unless you have meetings with anyone outside the company, in which case you absolutely still have to wear a tie on Fridays. The most tragic thing is that your colleagues think casual Friday is really rebellious, the squares.

Pet day

What could be better for morale than various slobbering dogs wandering around eating stationery and trying to hump your satchel? Nothing’s going to help you focus on work more than returning to your desk after lunch to find a labrador has taken a massive shit under your chair.

Doughnut day

Never mind the egregious bonuses that the senior executives got, because from now on there’ll be some doughnuts every second Tuesday. However your cheap bastard of a boss has only splashed out on half a doughnut per person, so there’ll be  a mini-riot to secure a whole cheap sugary bun all for yourself.

Yoga sessions

Stressed about the loan on your car and your mortgage payments? Thankfully, your benevolent capitalist overlord has arranged for a white man with dreadlocks to turn up every Monday to make you do yoga in a conference room beside Janice from sales whose IBS is acting up. What do you mean, your morale isn’t sky-high now? 

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Keir Starmer's wonderful world of gammons

YOU might be surprised by this, but I love ‘gammons’. These plucky puce-faced patriots are everything that makes Britain great. Here’s why they need not fear voting Labour.

I bloody love NATO 

Gammons love the idea of Britain being hard and threatening military action, and, coincidentally, so do I. That’s why I keep banging on about NATO like a man obsessed. I’d like to see Challenger 2s driving over piles of dead Russians shredded by our cluster bombs. But of course we should try non-military action like renaming chicken Kievs first.

I’d definitely fire a nuclear missile

Rest assured I wouldn’t hesitate for a second when it comes to pushing the Trident button and vaporising a few million people, honest. If one of our focus groups says this is the right sort of thing to say to gammons, let’s nuke the bastards till they glow.

I will hunt Corbyn down like a dog (metaphorically speaking)

You wise gammons hated Jeremy Corbyn and were right to do so. Despite him not being leader for years we will not rest until this powerless backbencher is booted out of the party. He should move to a Siberian labour camp if he likes Russia so much. 

Let’s shoot first and ask questions second 

Actually Angela Rayner said this, but I agree we should terminate with extreme prejudice anyone who looks slightly like a terrorist. No harm could ever come of a sensible policy like this.

I haven’t forgotten about dole scroungers

Ukraine hasn’t distracted me from scroungers. Labour is the party of working people, not ‘having a lie-in being a parasite’ people. Luckily Labour actually was a workers’ movement, so I don’t sound too evil saying this. For starters I’d replace benefits claimants’ massive TVs with those annoying little 1980s portable ones with a four-inch black-and-white screen.

We need to be tough on Putin

Not soft, tough. Not weak, strong. Not Duncan Norvelle, Andy McNab. I think you get the picture. I’d send Putin a clear message, maybe ‘I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum’. That should do it.

I love my country and its flag

I won’t labour this point as I’ve already said it about four billion times. But let’s just say no one’s allowed in my house without at least one item of Union Jack clothing and a donation to the Parachute Regiment.

We agree with the Tories about everything

I pledge we will not reverse Brexit no matter how pointless it is. And we’re not going to change your favourite policy, persecuting immigrants. To this end we’ve formally invited Priti Patel to join Labour, which will be renamed the Gammon Send ‘Em Back Party, although even Angela says that’s going too far.