Dad belatedly realises how f**ked up paper rounds were

A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was. 

Stephen Malley, aged 51, was telling his two disbelieving sons that for much of his teenage years he would rise before dawn, collect a heavy bag, walk empty streets delivering newspapers, then go to school, then do the same again in the evening.

He continued: “I got paid a tenner a week for that. Other kids who couldn’t get paper rounds were well jealous. What the f**k?

“Out in the cold and the pissing rain carrying 12 pounds of newsprint – 24 on a Sunday – traipsing round rough estates where every other house had a massive scary dog hurling itself at the door. Seven mornings a week, six evenings a week. That shit was mental.

“I’d arrive at school exhausted. I’d leave school and go straight to the newsagent. Why exactly did my parents put child labour ahead of GCSEs? To save on pocket money?

“If you found out 14-year-olds were setting alarm clocks to deliver your Amazon parcels at 7am you’d think it was weird, right? Some minor celebrity would go on The One Show and launch a campaign to stamp the practice out.”

Son Kayden said: “I do not believe I should have to work until I am 25, and I do not believe Dad.”

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Retailers launch F**k You, We're Jacking The Price Right Up Tuesday

AFTER Black Friday and Cyber Monday, today sees the launch of a new retail event where prices are brought right back up to meet Q4 profit targets.

Physical and online shops have happily announced that shoppers have had their chance to enjoy large discounts, cannot say they were not warned and goods will now cost up to 50 per cent more because they have shareholders to keep happy.

Retail CEO Martin Bishop said: “Delayed picking up a bargain over the weekend because you thought the low, low prices would last another week? Well, f**k you.

“We weren’t bluffing. We’ve got bills to pay and bonuses to make. How do you expect us to do that when we’re shifting air fryers at a 40 per cent discount? Be reasonable.

“Those offers were genuine. You scorned them. And now you reap the whirlwind. Christmas is coming and we’re here to claim what’s rightfully ours, namely your hard-earned cash.

“What’s that? It seems to you prices have been inflated well beyond their original value? Yep. That’s just part of the F**k You, We’re Jacking The Price Right Up Tuesday fun. See you next year.”

Shopper Nikki Hollis said: “I am excited to take part in this fiscal event. I hope the shops play Christmas music.”