Fatter… or pregnant? Can you solve the co-worker mystery?

YOU’VE not seen your colleague since March. But is she in the early stages of pregnancy or did she hit the lockdown cake too hard? Find out:

You offer her a slice of cheesecake. Does she:

A) Go queasily green and say ‘Oh God, cheese. As a cake. I’ve never thought about it before but that’s so disgusting’
B) Accept it and tell you that she had to make a special trip to the household waste recycling centre for her Gü ramekins

You ask what she’s been doing under lockdown. Does she: 

A) Gesture at her swollen stomach and say ‘Isn’t it obvious?’
B) Gesture at her swollen stomach and say ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

You screen a training video. Does she:

A) Start crying at the bit where the man hasn’t filled in a risk assessment form and is crushed by a box of A4, and have to go home
B) Fall asleep as soon as the lights are dimmed and snore loudly throughout

The boss has laid out some free end-of-work socially-distanced drinks. Does she:

A) Sigh, stare into the middle distance, and mutter ‘That’s how I got in this situation in the first place. That and Normal People’
B) Leap up mid-email, knock back the lot and barely seem affected


Mostly As: Your co-worker has seen lockdown as the perfect opportunity to create a new life. How wonderful and, perhaps by the time her baby grows up, women won’t feel so judged on their appearance! And perhaps there won’t be so many impossibly tasty varieties of crisps.

Mostly Bs: Your co-worker has seen lockdown as the perfect opportunity to live her best life. How wonderful and, in a world in which a deadly pathogen could take you down at any moment, why not?

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Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough, says Angel of the North

THE Angel of the North has challenged statue topplers to plant it right f**king there if they have a f**king problem. 

The Antony Gormley sculpture in Gateshead, which is 66ft tall with a 177ft wingspan, has informed protesters that they will get the hiding of a lifetime if they try.

It continued: “Come on. I’m f**king waiting.

“Don’t get this wrong. I’m down with the cause. But if you’re coming for us massive public erections, I’m ready. 

“Man up and take on a real bloody landmark. I’ll hammer you wankers into the ground like tentpegs. 600 tonnes of concrete. 200 tonnes of steel. Bring it.”

The sculpture then goaded Britain by flapping its wings like a chicken and making a loud clucking noise.