How to talk bollocks about Black Lives Matter

DETERMINED to have an opinion about Black Lives Matter protests but woefully ill-informed? Share these moronic opinions:

White lives matter

Well, yes, but crucially nobody is saying they don’t. While US police murdering black people with inpunity kind of makes a stong statement in the other direction. It’s like ending slavery for white people was never that big a deal.

I don’t understand what all the fuss is about

Trivialise racism and grievances about Windrush by pretending to be spectacularly thick and unobservant. Things like: ‘If you ask me, they’ve got too much time on their hands and need jobs’ are perfect in these COVID times.

Black people did slavery too

So if everyone does shit it’s fine? It’s fine to not pay tax because Al Capone didn’t? See how far that gets you, as your weary solicitor rolls their eyes and thinks about lunch.

Get yourself over to Mail Online

Sick of people in real life discussing BLM in a considered way? There’s none of that in the anonymised cesspit which is Daily Mail comments. Log on NOW and demand all protesters are tied to posts and used for bayonet practise by the army.

White people suffer racism too

Do they bollocks. Granted, there’s the odd nasty incident, but you’re not arsed about making a serious point because your loopy definition of racism is someone on Twitter using the word ‘gammon’.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

One half of every couple is hideously messy and one is a cleanliness fascist and that's just the way it is

ALL couples have one partner who is obsessively tidy and another who is disgustingly untidy and basically deal with it, researchers have found.

A study of more than 3,000 couples found that the balance exists in every relationship so they may as well stop shouting at each other about closing doors or picking up socks and get on with it.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: “One half of every couple secretly wants to bundle their partner and every trace of their existence into a small, clearly labelled plastic storage box.

“They’re the ones furiously scrubbing microscopic dots of fruit juice off the kitchen table and gathering their beloved’s possessions and stacking them passive-aggressively on their side of the bed in a neat square.

“Meanwhile, the clutterblind partner will cheerfully say things like ‘Leave that Snickers, I’ve not finished it’ as they surf a bedroom floor covered in books, apple cores and discarded clothing.

“They will tidy up if someone is coming round, but this constitutes chucking things in a whirlwind motion into the nearest cupboard then leaning on the door until it stays shut.

“We speculate every couple has one of each type so that babies are neither tidied out of existence or lost in a tide of chargers and sun cream bottles.”

Next story ›