Five festive excuses for doing f**k all work from home

NOBODY is productive at this time of year even when they’re in the office. Why should home be any different? Get out of working with these seasonally-appropriate excuses: 

Your internet’s buggered

A classic get-out beloved of dossers, because it absolves you of blame and gets you sympathy. Give this tried and tested excuse a seasonal spin by saying you think the neighbours’ Christmas lights are interfering with the wireless signal from your router, then stuff six mince pies into your face.

You’ve had an allergic reaction to mulled wine

A thinly-veiled way of admitted you downed way too much spiced wine last night and now you’re vomiting seasonal cheer into the toilet bowl. But nobody’s allowed to be sceptical about allergies now in case they’re hit with legal action. Write a grammatically accurate sickie email then watch endless Christmas films on Channel 5.

‘I have to pick up a present’

Your boss knows how present-obsessed kids get around this time of year – he’s bought his children jetskis – so taking the afternoon off to pick up 2021’s must-have Christmas toy from an out of town shop won’t raise any eyebrows. That’s until they remember you don’t have any kids. Or a partner.

You were visited by three spirits

It’s a long shot, but convincing your boss you were visited by three spirits warning you against the dangers of overworking and burning out could get you out of any and all work for a fortnight. They even showed you a vision of your neglected headstone, so you need to recover from that trauma.

It’s f**king Christmas for f**k sake

Christmas is less than a fortnight away, which means you legally shouldn’t be expected to be productive. You’re still sorting presents, creating a costume for your kid’s nativity play, and you’ve yet to think of a decent Secret Santa gift for Kelly in HR. So tell your boss they can shove their KPIs up their arse. Because it’s f**king Christmas.

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The six Countryfile presenters you would leave your marriage and kids for right now

COUNTRYFILE pretends to be a gentle look at rural life, but its presenters who are intoxicating temptations you’d run away with tomorrow. These are its most enchanting prospects:

Helen Skelton

You’ve never found canoeing on open water appealing, but that’s because you never had Skelton paddling in tandem. You wouldn’t need a life jacket with those strong, sensible arms ready to keep you afloat.

Adam Henson

The birth of your own children pales in comparison to the spiritual high of watching Adam Henson bring a calf into the world. Let’s face it, even a segment from him on crop rotations is more intimate than sex.

Anita Rani

Has your partner ever been as enthusiastic about your achievements as Anita Rani is about a retired Scout leader’s sustainable pottery company? Just imagine her wide-eyed, loving gaze as you tell her about how many loads of washing you got through this weekend.

Matt Baker

Baker doesn’t know his own power. He already had us pledging eternal devotion after he ripped into David Cameron on The One Show, but talking about wildflowers while walking his faithful collie through a meadow? This man is a homewrecker and he knows it.

Ellie Harrison

A Nordic vision of blonde locks striding through a field of corn in bewitching breathable, sturdy outdoor gear. She’d take you on an easy-to-medium-endurance coastal hike and stomp those walking boots right over your heart.

John Craven

You loved him when you were six and he presented Newsround and that love’s never faded. Why live a lie when when you could be whisked away by your own Daddy Craven on a whirlwind romantic journey the length and breadth of Britain’s heritage railway lines?