NOBODY is productive at this time of year even when they’re in the office. Why should home be any different? Get out of working with these seasonally-appropriate excuses:
Your internet’s buggered
A classic get-out beloved of dossers, because it absolves you of blame and gets you sympathy. Give this tried and tested excuse a seasonal spin by saying you think the neighbours’ Christmas lights are interfering with the wireless signal from your router, then stuff six mince pies into your face.
You’ve had an allergic reaction to mulled wine
A thinly-veiled way of admitted you downed way too much spiced wine last night and now you’re vomiting seasonal cheer into the toilet bowl. But nobody’s allowed to be sceptical about allergies now in case they’re hit with legal action. Write a grammatically accurate sickie email then watch endless Christmas films on Channel 5.
‘I have to pick up a present’
Your boss knows how present-obsessed kids get around this time of year – he’s bought his children jetskis – so taking the afternoon off to pick up 2021’s must-have Christmas toy from an out of town shop won’t raise any eyebrows. That’s until they remember you don’t have any kids. Or a partner.
You were visited by three spirits
It’s a long shot, but convincing your boss you were visited by three spirits warning you against the dangers of overworking and burning out could get you out of any and all work for a fortnight. They even showed you a vision of your neglected headstone, so you need to recover from that trauma.
It’s f**king Christmas for f**k sake
Christmas is less than a fortnight away, which means you legally shouldn’t be expected to be productive. You’re still sorting presents, creating a costume for your kid’s nativity play, and you’ve yet to think of a decent Secret Santa gift for Kelly in HR. So tell your boss they can shove their KPIs up their arse. Because it’s f**king Christmas.