Thursday, 25th February 2021

Five trendy career changes for tiresome twats

ARE you a tiresome individual determined to follow your pretentious dreams? Read our guide to your next bullshit career move.

Mail-order brownie maker

Long gone are the days when something brown and oozing shoved through your letterbox was a bad sign – now there are many dimwits who will happily pay £26 for four lumps of underbaked chocolate cake. Go forth and find them on Instagram.

Incredibly niche artisan business

Restoring French antique harpsichords sounded like something you could really drone about at dinner parties, so you knew you needed to quit your six-figure banking job and do it. Only a few more years of your savings gradually running out and you might feature in Homes & Antiques magazine.

Glamping

With a UK staycation the only option thanks to Covid, make tons of cash from opening a glamping business. All you need is grit, determination and shedloads of unspoilt land in a British beauty spot.

Organic vegan café owner

No-one else has thought of organic or vegan food becoming a thing, so you will definitely not face any competition. And cafe ownership is definitely not hard work, with all that mastering of tax rules, employment law and hygiene certificates: it’s all about those fabulous matcha croissants on your Instagram feed.

Life coach

All these poor souls squinting at hated colleagues over Zoom need you. After an hour of paying £75 for you to tell them to follow their dreams, they’ll be desperate to get back to their boring office job.