Five trendy career changes for tiresome twats

ARE you a tiresome individual determined to follow your pretentious dreams? Read our guide to your next bullshit career move.

Mail-order brownie maker

Long gone are the days when something brown and oozing shoved through your letterbox was a bad sign – now there are many dimwits who will happily pay £26 for four lumps of underbaked chocolate cake. Go forth and find them on Instagram.

Incredibly niche artisan business

Restoring French antique harpsichords sounded like something you could really drone about at dinner parties, so you knew you needed to quit your six-figure banking job and do it. Only a few more years of your savings gradually running out and you might feature in Homes & Antiques magazine.

Glamping

With a UK staycation the only option thanks to Covid, make tons of cash from opening a glamping business. All you need is grit, determination and shedloads of unspoilt land in a British beauty spot.

Organic vegan café owner

No-one else has thought of organic or vegan food becoming a thing, so you will definitely not face any competition. And cafe ownership is definitely not hard work, with all that mastering of tax rules, employment law and hygiene certificates: it’s all about those fabulous matcha croissants on your Instagram feed.

Life coach

All these poor souls squinting at hated colleagues over Zoom need you. After an hour of paying £75 for you to tell them to follow their dreams, they’ll be desperate to get back to their boring office job.

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Making friends share posts for 'good luck', and other signs you're an online moron

HAVE you got Lionel Messi as your Twitter pic? Are you always the top replier to Piers Morgan? Here’s how your online presence can reveal you are in fact a raging simpleton.

You share posts that friends also have to share for ‘good luck’

Whatever powerful deity rules over the universe, it’s doubtful that he or she is making decisions based on your Facebook feed. If anything, plaguing friends with this mindless shit is likely to send bad karma your way.

You reply to celebrities you fancy on Twitter – a lot

No matter how many times you tell Rachel Riley ‘Good morning’, or that she looked nice in that dress on Countdown today, it’s not that likely she’ll leave her husband and family for a random stranger on the internet. Even if you use emojis.

You are always asking friends for recommendations on Facebook

Waste everyone’s time with endless dull questions about a good place to eat in Hendon or a reliable cleaner in Truro. You know you aren’t going to use their suggestions. They know you aren’t going to use their suggestions. Google exists. Try using it.

You retweet shit that says ‘1 RT = 1 Respect’

You do know that soldiers managed to fight in wars successfully for hundreds of years without you spamming everyone’s feed with a badly-photoshopped poppy, right?

You take posts from satirical news websites literally

Has China got a new rocket that can destroy the Earth’s core, every human and all the Morlocks living underground? Skim read obviously made-up stuff and bombard your friends with it as if it’s true. Or perhaps try using a thing known as ‘your brain’.