Homeworkers naked

EMPLOYEES who work from home have completely stripped off in order to stay cool in the heat.

Productivity among remote workers is higher than their office-based counterparts thanks to not wearing sweat-sodden suits and allowing cool air to breeze erotically through their armpits and genitals.

Homeworker Martin Bishop said: “Being naked is one of the many perks of working from home. Along with being able to get away with doing the bare minimum and pissing off Telegraph editors.

“If I was in the office I’d be leaving a sticky trail in my wake like a slug. And if I walked around without anything on you can bet HR would have something to say about it, even though I’m saving the company loads of money by not using a fan.

“But when I work from home I can whip everything off, chuck down a towel to soak up any residual back sweat, and happily toil away with the fan in my computer tower wafting a pleasant zephyr into my crotch. 

“If I have to hop onto a video call I’ll chuck on a shirt but leave downstairs as nature intended. It’s just like the good old days of 2020 when everyone worked in a state of undress. Don’t pretend you didn’t.”

Bishop’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “I could have done without the horrifying mental image of Martin filling in spreadsheets with his clammy cock out.”

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Britain cracks under strain of pretending this weather is pleasant

THE UK is breaking down after three weeks claiming that horrendously hot, sticky, sleepless weather is something they enjoy.

Britons who have soldiered through 21 days of ‘another gorgeous morning’ and ‘feels like the Algarve’ are now openly admitting they cannot stand this f**king horrible sunshine a minute longer.

Susan Traherne of Reading said: “When’s it raining next? Can’t come soon enough.

“Why lie? The baking sun isn’t fun. Walking down the street is a woozy ordeal, simple tasks are foully sweaty, and no meal is the right meal. Your arse sticks to your chair and your laptop’s fused to your thighs.

“I said to Steve in the office ‘Were you out in the garden last night?’ and he replied ‘No, because it’s far too f**king hot and I’m not slathering myself in factor 50 to sit looking at my kitchen extension’, so we’re on the same page.

“On holiday there’s beaches, siestas and daytime lager. Here I’m sleeping with a fan on and the windows open by a busy main road and frankly it sucks balls. I haven’t opened the curtains at home since Sunday. F**k the sun. Give me 19 days of drizzle anytime.”

Colleague Steve Malley said: “Foreigners live like this all the time. And that only increases my contempt for them.”