How many office bastards can you spot?

THE modern office is a rich environment for twats of all shapes and sizes. But which ones do you work with? Read our guide and tick off all the ones you see!

The obstructive wanker

This office worker seems to think their job description is ‘make everything a pain in the arse’. They will resist even the most minor requests, as if you’ve asked for a bucket of diamonds rather than a pack of Post-its.

Boss who creates a miserable atmosphere

The sort of boss who, through their bad temper or obsession with productivity, turns the office into a no-fun, heads-down workhouse where no one talks to each other.

The atmosphere immediately improves when they’re gone, much like the demise of the Wicked Witch of the East in The Wizard of Oz. Sadly they’re just at lunch and haven’t been killed by a house.

Permanently aggrieved woman

This colleague is ALWAYS having a bitter dispute with co-workers or the company and wants to tell you about it. (Note: They have no interest in you, except as a human bin in which to dump their woes.)

To make matters worse the dispute is usually totally incomprehensible, eg. “So Astrid’s got time off in lieu – no surprise there, Little Miss Two-Faced Bitch – and guess who’s got to do the Stevenage rotas?”  

The workplace pervert

Always a man, this employee will expect other male co-workers to be interested in whatever hellish pornography he’s into, eg. “I found this cracking porno, mate. Have you seen Donkey Wanktuary?”

Working late martyrs

“Looks like I’m working late again!” these employees will sigh, but secretly they’re enjoying their martyrdom or trying to suck up to the boss. If you study them closely you will notice their ‘late working’ is 90% making coffee and sending personal emails.

Mr Smooth

Usually working in sales, Mr Smooth models himself on David Beckham when he’s advertising suits or luxury watches. If you like hearing about “munters” he has “pulled” in the rancid local nightclub he is excellent company.

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Man hasn't had sex since 2015 due to Manic Street Preachers

A MAN’S family are worried he will never find a partner due to his love of stolid alt-rockers the Manic Street Preachers.

Nathan Muir is one of the few people who can name the band’s drummer and owns their entire back catalogue, including the latest album which nobody noticed them releasing.

Muir’s mum Helen said: “Nathan hasn’t had a girlfriend in ages. I couldn’t understand why, but then I realised there’s something about the Manics that puts women off.

“Maybe it’s the earnestness, the dated punk sloganeering, the angst about things that aren’t entirely clear? Also I think a 39-year-old man wearing a ‘Generation Terrorists’ top sends out all the wrong signals.

“All credit to them for their solidly crafted anthemic rock, but I’m going to have to get Nathan into Radiohead or something if I ever want to have grandchildren.”

Muir said: “I’m sorry, but if a woman doesn’t think A Design For Life is the greatest song ever written and doesn’t listen to it four times a day I don’t see how the relationship could ever work.”